Quote by ElegantsWow! I'm sitting here
trying to read lionhearted's barbarically long reply (or whatever it might be.)
and I find myself falling asleep after the first two paragraph (not that its
boring I enjoy it!) It just goes to show how simple minded I actually am! Anyhow
I just dropped by to say HI! see ya around!
~Ele~
Don't worry about it. We've just been chatting back and forth for a while. The
only reason it looks long is because I hardly get any visitors on this end, so
L.H.'s posts just end up clumping together. Besides, what's so bad about being
simple minded?
In any case, thanks for stopping by.
Hope to see you around, Ele.
Lolz. I sometimes drop by to see if anything has changed on your user page
((which I do daily to all my friends. I cant help it, I'm just odd like that.)).
But as I look for any changes I get distracted by that long paragraph thingy. I
decide to try and read it, and for a while it works. Then I'll remember: Oh Yeah
I forgot to post in the Forum's for today. So then Ill race off, post, come
back, get distracted, remember, race off, post, come back, get distracted,
remember and so on. Then I'll get off the computer for the day. Or at least
until I remember why I got off in the first place.
Anyway I just dropped by and remembered: Hey I haven't replyed to GearStalker's
post yet. So I come here. Get distracted. Post this and now Im going to race off
to the forums! But first; How have you been?
First of all, congratulations on making top speaker *cheers*. I understand how
people would think of you in a different light when they see you debate. When
put into that mindset, you kinda have to be on the aggressive side, yet still
retain enough control to think and act clearly. I'm proud of you.
I see. You just don't want anyone to say you're not fighting, when you know that
you clearly are. I can see how that would be insulting. ...as far as the phone
conversations are concerned, I guess that silences wouldn't happen. I know that
you are a nice person, and that you have very interesting things to talk about.
I just get nervous when I have to talk to people on the phone, even more so if
I'm the one calling them. (It wasn't until recently that I realized how
painfully obvious my nervousness was.) It wouldn't have anything to do with you;
I'm the one with the messed up problems... (Sorry to hear about the water
escapades though...)
About the song. At first I couldn't recognize the song by the lyrics alone, but
the second it started to play after I clicked on the link, it hit me like a ton
of bricks. I have heard that song before; I just didn't realize that I did. It's
a nice song...
Ah...so that's where you get it from. We all get something from our parents.
Sadly, I got my migraine and insomnia attacks from my mom. I
don't even want to think about what I got from my dad... In any event, I hope
that things turn out well for you and your family.
Hope the party turns out well...
I think that it's cool that you have that justice about you. It's a good thing.
As long as at least one person is fighting the good fight, then hope is never
completely lost. (God, why do I sound like a superhero saying that?)
Remaining silent...would you rather open your mouth to a serious problem, and be
thought of as selfish, or just remain quiet, and let countless others be hurt
from the silence? It's a complicated thing...
Take care, Sara.
Hope you feel
better.
haa why thank you! i am glad you are proud of me! it is pretty much an
honor:D
hahaha the water escapades truth to be
told we were not as thirsty as we said we were just an
excuse to leave but the teacher is so funny...anyway she is really sweet...
lools thanks i think you are even nicer than i am to be honest, well i can
imagine it, i am a very visual person i think i mentioned that, so concerning we
never met face to face it would not be very easy for me to express many
things...since i can't see your expression to judge what topic of discussion
would please you most to stick to it and what would be considered boring from
your expressions i would try to avoid and truth to
be told even when i am with my friend on the phone there are so many quiet
moments, but i would not say they are uncomfy since i would catch up on some
work and she would just...i donno what she would be doing actually but if i say
"i think i will go now" she would say no so i stay but it is
rather fun, even the quiet moments are fun to me i don't
think it is messed up problems
hahah yes truth to be told i could not remember i heard the song on TV once upon
a time till i saw the video clip and i was like "hey that was a song i
liked!" it is very pleasant ne...and very sad as well...
hmm i got migraines..from myself i guess since none of my parents suffer from
it...but truth to be told i got alot from my father more than mum, very
undertsandable since i had always admired my father and wanted to be like him...
so now i have alot of extra self confidence, and a sense of pride, when i get
angry my pride often shows but other than that i don't think i am arrogant or
anything...hope not hmm
what else...lools no idea anyway... unlike my sis and father though i don't have
that ability to stay angry at anyone for over ten minutes
hahahaha Yes sir Tarzan! sounds cool
i guess you are right! hope is never lost...
ooooh Tommyyyyyyyy! Daddy gave me flowers! thing is I
just came back from tutoring and I pass by his office before and after since it
is in the same building blabla...but anyway when I went in I was like “Hii
daddy, how are you” etc... and then I noticed a vase of such lovely flowers,
such angelic white flower and a pale sorta yellow roses that were just tooo
lovely, so I was like “ahh such pretty flowers! And your office smells so lovely
too!” and then he said “you can take it” and I was like “take a rose? Sure I
will then before leaving” but then upon leaving I passed by his office again and
was like “ok daddy I am going home now, would you like anything?”
*dad* "here Sara, take the vase of flowers, lemme call wait* (he calls
someone to pick it up for me)
"hey wait though, would you like the pink ones?"
*me* "ahh nice! but no thanks i think those are nicer (referring to the
white ones i had already fallen inlove with)
*dad (there were a couple of employees standing there, teachers and Dr.J )* (he
talks to them) "this is my daughter Sara, i am proud of her."
*me* (surprised but pleased smile)
haha i was so happy... ooh look he just came back from his office... again gotta
run loools!
ok ok back now...
ok this song is very very nice, a jap song but i think you might like it...as
for the lyrics...heheh i will leave it to you to search for them, or maybe next
time ne...i am at a race with time now in
15 mins i have to leave for an appointment... *sigh*
hmm you are right about the silence... you might think i have not tried to voice
out a minor fraction of what i thought...well we were in a restuarant at that
time...and not just that...i made mum cry...i cried along with her...and then
the next morning she walked into my room and woke me up...and then she was very
harsh about what she thought of me and my opinions... there were times before
that...and i did try after that a lil more subtly...but it was alll in
vain...and the reason for all of it...i fought it all along, not just verbally
but physically! i tried as hard as i could... but it never worked out...nothing
worked, really nothing at all... so in the end i stopped trying... i donno
really... sometimes nothing you say can make a difference...people get so blind
that nothing you say or do can open their eyes and it is rather sad that things
come to end this way... it is hard for me to understand many things...that is
why what i seek is not knowledge in books...i want to know more about the world
from another perspective...i wanna understand... i really don't mind many
things... but to come to this...it gets a lil hard... i am not going
anywhere...i am not sure i am even going to college you know...but i never say
anything to anyone but Fati now...you know...there are so many things that
trouble me but i just don't want to burden anyone...and even when i complain
about a headache...a friend of mine... said that if i would stop saying my head
hurt and complained..then maybe it would stop... i felt bad
really...proabably for talking to the wrong person probably for letting myself
actually talk about what i feel.... although to be honest a headache is the
least of my troubles and worries... but who would know ne... but
anyway...i don't even wanna think about what i will do when Fati leaves
forever... you know even sometimes in classes we don't have together...recently
this fear kinda worries me...like almost losing a crutch... Fati is almost like
my crutch...i come to her every single day with something to tell her... even
today i was really going to stay home and go to school at like 11 am, but my
mother happened to wake up and tell me a few things that made me flee the house!
i
really wanted so much... i am so ambitious...but to be able to not even acheive
a tiny bit of my dreams... that sure is sad
looooooools!
ahh not done! have to go now...
hahahahahhahahaha
baaaaaaack!
hmm nothing much happened, just talked a lil with the dentist and blabla
happened...anyway
i am glad i am back! finally i can finish this! you know when i started?! last
night when i received it and then sis kicked me off the compy, then in the
morning before school...i typed a paragraph before sis woke up and asked me to
go to school and let her sleep in peace then i came
back from school and about ten minutes after prepareing to get tutored and
having to leave again, and then when i came back and the list goes on
hahahahahhaahas
hahaha today when i was leaving to get tutored, before that my brother, Adoomy,
had spent his time with me in the room, and i was trying on some new shirts that
i had bought and he was there so i was modelling for him asking him
if he thought my shirts were cute and he was
so funny, at first he started evading, talking about his gameboy but i was
giving him a pained look and was looking like i was on the verge of a serious
breakdown so he was like in the end"yes your shirt is nice" so i
kneeled infront of him since he was sitting on his bed and it was just soo
funny, since i grabbed his toes and was like "yaaaaaay" and he was
laughing then we kept at it, him saying my shirt was nice and me wriggling his toes
and shouting "yaaaay"
then when i was about to leave i had to wait for my driver since he was not
there, and my bro was giving me company outside in the garden was rather
fun since i was so bothered before leaving the house, and he was running around
and begged to go with me, so i was like "my teacher will punch and kick me!
you want me to die?!" and he was like "no i will kill the
teacher!"
*me* "what?! how?!"
*Adham* "with a big big big knife!"
*me* "noooooo! who will teach me if you kill the teacher?!"
*Adham* "i will teach you"
*me* "what?! what will you teach me you smart snerd?!"
*Adham* "letter A and Q"
*me* " haaaaaahahahahhas really? ok then i see"
*Adham* "but i cannot write...how i will draw letter A?"
*me* "you seeeeeeeee?! how will i study! nooooooooo!"
hahahahas and i go on wailing and he tries to gain control of the situation but
me being inlove with teasing him to no end, i wail on and on about poor me
and then before i left, he stood at the gate and was like "Bye Sara, i love
you, i miss you" was rather
cute and funny... i am so glad we are so attatched..and besides, it feels good,
when you try to give him love growing up and take care of him sincerely, and
then it comes back at you since he is very loving as well...and he cares alot
about my feelings...like i told him "please darling go inside now, daddy
will shout if i am late"
*Adham* "i will punch him if he shouts to you"
XD he
sure is a lil tiger, since he was born i hat always called him Tiger...and i am
so glad he is the way he is...i am sooooo proud of him, very very proud... he is
so smart and his expressions are so innocent and sincere...you never really have
to wonder what his intentions are...they are written all over his face... i am
hoping life won't change that...being honest is such an admirable thing ne
probably i will send you a pic of him so you would see how adorable he is i am so
protective of him, more so since when he was so young i took care of him, and
till now i am the one who really takes care of him...mother has no real
time...
ahhh look he came
*adham (drinking milk from his baby bottle) "i wanna hold you hand and
sleep, tell me story"
XD
excuse me then ...brb
haha baaack!
anyway now...hmm...thanks for saying you were proud of me...makes me feel like a
lil delighted kid
hahaha here i took a pic of the flowers father gave me!
hahaha and here is something funny Fati said the other day when we were
arranging the party, a friend asks her "what are you getting (food)
tomorrow?"
*Fati*"i'm not getting anything"
*friend* "oh comon"
*Fati* "actually i am getting a plate and fork and digging in"
*me* "hey! how about getting two plates, i need one too you know"
*friend* "you're not getting anything either, Sara?"
*me* "hmm...probably a spoon..."
*Fati* "hey! how about getting two spoons? i might need one too you
know!"
hahahahahahas was rather amusing, but Fati got barbique chicken which was too
good that i ate alot of it...and what was so funny is that Fati commented that i
ate like a cat and i got donuts...hahahahas Fati though took most of it back to her
house
she said she loved them, although i bought them from a bakery this morning, but
they are yummy we enjoyed and some teachers dressed up and they looked so cute one was
dressed as some vicorian lady attending a ball, was rather interesting...
ohh you know i finished the book, Memoirs of a Geisha...hmm my feelings towards
the end...i was more annoyed... and bothered at how she handled things...to be
honest in my daily life, i believe duties come before emotion...and there was
this guy who she owed her life to...but she ...ahh you have to read it i don't
wanna spoil it for you...but then how much sacrificing is love worth? hmm...
anyway it is mostly fiction...but still the ending was not as good as the
story...i guess i am being very critical but i would have expected a better sort
of ending...soemtimes you come to the end and have this feeling that it was
rushed, or the author just wanted to finish... and then the end does not come
out so powerful... hmm... or probably it was just me...she dies without repaying
her debt...that is so not nice! he saved her freakin life! he was so kind to
her! he...was so damn kind! the guy was cold to everyone else, and he was biting
to everyone else...but to her he was careful about not hurting her feelings and
things...but in the end how does she repay him?! tche... who cares about love
when you have duties?! i think it goes that way...because it is so unfair for
the guy... i felt so bad for him! she broke his heart! and what kind of friend
was the other man?! what is thisssssss?! but then
again, probably it is just me
yes i feel much better...i hope YOU are feeling better ne... i would rather you
inform me if your sleep had removed the throbbing in your head ne... would make
me feel better to know you are feeling better
as for now...i am going to.... sleeeeeep! but yups
although no school tomorrow i have loads of work to do take care
Tommy-chiii! by now you would have awakened, so morning! and have a great
day!
merged: 03-08-2007 ~ 03:33am
hmm hehehe seems like your friends are complaining about the length of your
GB...i wonder though if it ever occured to them... if you press the
"end" key on the keyboard you would be transferred to the end of the
page within secs...
hmm anyway then...nighties!
merged: 03-08-2007 ~ 08:49pm
Quote:
Sorry for making you worry. To be honest, I've recovered from the migraine, but
it seems like each day that's gone by, I get another migraine. I think that it
might have something to do with the heat over here; it broke about 35*c today.
It's probably nothing compared to what you're used to, but it's warm according
to what everyone here is used to. Warmer, in fact, than usual...
You don't need to worry about what to say. I have a pretty open mind (I think
that I mentioned that before). The problem would be with my voice (it's a little
on the low side), and my mindset. I get so preoccupied with thinking about what
to talk about, I end up stammering like crazy.
I don't think that you're arrogant at all. ...Plus, I think it's nice that you
don't stay mad for a long time. As for me, I'm not nice, I just know better than
to stir up trouble...and sometimes I can't even keep from doing that.
I saw the flowers in the link you gave. ...they do look pretty.
I understand your worries better than you think. I also know how painful it can
be to voice yourself around people too self-absorbed to give a damn. ...and
truth be told, you and I are alike in that field...at least based on what you
told me. I'll admit though, that sometimes worrying about getting a sickness
could cause a sickness itself (psychosomatic...) But I don't think that it's the
case here. ...just remember what I said about doubting yourself; the more you do
it, the more likely the bad will become reality...
...I feel like I stepped on a whole field of mines with what I just said. I
apologize if anything I said, whether it was about your problems or anything
else, bothered you in any way. I know that you are fighting as hard as you can
to reach what you seek.
...So, I'm not the only one who gets distracted while trying to post. Like I
said, don't worry yourself about replying back right away. Take care of
everything else you have to do.
Sounds like Adham doing just fine. That's cool. It's adorable that you two get
along that way. ...and I'm glad that you enjoyed the book. ...well, most of the
book, anyway.
Sounds like the party was fun as well. Hope that you had a great time.
*looks back up*
...I can't believe that it took three hours just to write this little thing. I
wanted to say more, mostly to give you some pep, but it's probably something
that you just want to move on about. In any case, know that whatever comes your
way, I'll be here cheering you on.
Take care, Sara.
P.S. The song was pretty cool.
hmm true, the weather is a major started of a migraine, but i would assume you
would get used to it in a few days...probably you worry and think too much
though... i know that since when i start to really think and dwell, my head
pounds
ok here are the lyrics to the song i sent earlier, translated from Jap to
English:
With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll come back as a flower by your side.
will the sun right above me always be there?
will I always be able to keep safe,
the laughing, crying, angry faces you make?
if it's all going to end someday anyway,
we should be even more grateful
that we could find each other
the miracle of that day, that time and that place
will give birth to a new track.
growing stronger through love,
overcoming through faith
what you left me with, is still here in my heart
see, it hasn't lost its shine
I think of things happily, that we could find each other
that I could regain my smile
with these overwhelming feelings of "gratitude",
I push forward on my journey
With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll want to see you
I'll scatter like flower petals
I'll accept all this world throws at me
you left me with a real treasure called "the here and now"
so I'll live the best I can, and be a flower
why do flowers wilt?
why can birds fly?
why does the wind blow?
why does the moon shine?
why am I here?
why are you here?
why could I find you?
it was fate, that I meet you.
the rain lets up, a rainbow forms across the sky,
the light is born by the strong spring wind,
I become aware of something precious, and unyielding
called "loving"
Can I still keep on? I can see it now,
my feeling will last the ages and ring out for all time
your joy, your pain, your everything
go on, bloom in full, bigger, bigger, and bigger.
nice ne? the lyrics are lovely..
hahahahas a mine again
tell you what... i think i am surrounded by mines so don't worry about stepping
on one, odds are they never will explode or anything anyway and what you
say does not bother me in the least.... what bothers me is that i can't do a
damn thing about what bothers me... but anyway that is not important
now...lools...probably if you stop wishing a problem could be solved, then the
problem will somehow solve itself...problem is sis and i are a bit too shrewd
when it comes to family matters and even if someone tries to coneal something or
do it without anyone knowing, sis or i come across the truth too soon that it
causes alot of tension...probably if we went with the flow and pretended things
never really changed then it would be ok... but ok family problems aside... the
other thing that kills me is the fact my parents are...cruel dammit i
wanna go to college but they are creating excuses for me to stay here! and you
don't understand there is only one college here that ic an attend and it is
ARABIC BASED dammit! i don't evn know arabic... and the thing is my parents are
puching their luck, just cuz i am silent now does not mean i won't say somthing
when the time really comes... my parents underestimate me and i hope they stop
playing around soon...they have three months to get serious about what they are
"deciding for me" or i will make them decide what i want... simply...i
fear nothing... that is bad ne hahahahas
honest to god i am so not afraid of anything...the worst they can do is what?
nothing! so i am stepping down when the time comes and no you
are not bothering me and i am not so bothered...just telling you a few of what
goes around here
hmm which reminds me...don't worry about what you say ne...you can say whatever
you want and even your opinion on what i say and comment about... hahaha moving
on is not as easy as it seems ne at times but say
whatever comes to mind, truth to be told i say what comes to mind...i am saying
what comes to mind even now muahaha
ahh the weather here is actually lovely, gets a lil hot around noon but now the
weather is...hey wait a minute...it is noon now but
the weather is rather pleasant...not sure what the temp is but there is this
really cool breeze and the weather is actually warm and refreshing...
hahahah the flowers sure are cute ne?
hahahah i am nice enough to know not to stir up trouble tooooo!
except i am actually betrothed to trouble *nod nod* no wonder trouble keeps
visiting me... he is such a dilligent fiance
hahahahahahahahaha
ha yeah i think mum is like that.... the thinking of a sickness makes you sick
kinda thing...but i would say i am the total opposite, when i am sick i just
live like nothing is wrong... you could say i urge my body to fight to it's
hardest cuz i don't really like resting unless i had a book with me...other than
that to be honest when i am really sick and i can't leave the bed, i get lonely
like if
i don't occupy my mind with working, i get very sad... there was this one time
when my parents had travelled and only sis and i were home with our housekeeper,
i won't lie they were the best days ever since sis and i moved into my brother's
room he
has a TV (well so do we but his has a sattelite receiver thingi and blabla so
sis and i would stay up so late watching some movies, or she would sit on my
brother's computer to spam in the same room with me for the fun of it... and
then she would sleep on my bro's bed but i would get a mattress and sleep on the
ground which is better for me it was real
fun but three days before my parents were scheduled to return (this was before
the summer so thigns were good at home and i was close to my mother and father)
and anyway i got sick with fever, and everything! it was so horrible but sis
"moved out" of the room, she said she did not want to get sick... and
i was soooo lonely for the first time in my life i slept with the TV on to keep
me some sort of company...ofcourse i did not go to school and it was just so sad
but
then my friend called and i kept her on the phone with me for over an hour,
truth to be told when we decided to close the phone and say our byes, she did
not want to go either... and she lived so far from my place and her parents
would not allow her to come over...but it was ok that she called...i was happy
to talk to someone, besides we were watching the same thing on TV and were
discussing it so it was rather fun...
yatta!
cheering for us
you are soo right but i find it hard to help it!
i worry about college and soon enough i might really give up and just not care
about anything becuase i am so pissed...and i told Fati i was so tired of all
this and she said she knew i was tired... but then we fell silent... i doubt i
have the ability to change my future and attain what i want so much...and then
maybe you are right ne, in time i just won't even attain it due to my lack of
believing in myself... still i am not sure... all i need is a word of
reassurance from my father...he used to always tell me he will give me the best
and things about sending me off to a good college...but now mother is wrapping
him around her finger and he is so damn enchanted... and she knows it and that
is why she goes all the time tormenting me... what she said yesterday morning to
make me leave the house so early, was when we were talking about college! really
how can a woman wake up so early in the morning to deliver knews she knew would
torment me?! i was like "yeah and i wanna buy a couple of nice shirts for
college" and she was like "yeah yeah whatever you never know what is
gonna happen" she said it in a way that was implying i am not going
anywhere for college! and i just said nothing! the she got up and was like
"anyway i want to buy dresses so you can drop me to the mall before going
to school" i got up and nodded (she was talking about 10 am since i told
her i wanted to go to school around 11 am and that time was 6 am in the morning)
and anyway i sat on the computer but i could not take it anymore, so i told my
brother who was leaving for school to ask the driver to wait and i was going to
school early... really being here sometimes i feel like i am being choked... i
am just so glad i don't burst into tears anymore when the subject of college
comes up..
in fact now that i think about it maybe i can play reverse psychology
...hahahahas looooooools!
there was something my mother told me long before...she said if you don't chase
after something, then it is bound to turn around and chase after you... i am
thinking... perhaps now if i actually order my parents to send me to some stupid
college here, they will be desperate to send me to where i want to go loools! i am
so bad oh
well, desperate times call for desperate measures, to get what you want here you
need to find a real way to get it, not sit and worry about it right? hahahhas
for some reason i really am craving chocolate now... hmm... and i asked sis if
she would help me nag mum into going to the supermarket, there are a couple of
things i need to get, thing is we are not allowed to leave without our mum so
you can imagine
ok then i have a couple...of alot of things to do so i will
leave you to rest now and begin my work...
hahaha take your time typing looools!~
take care Tommy-chii! have a nice ...day since i assume again you went to bed a
while ago and would be reading this when you get up
merged: 03-09-2007 ~ 11:40pm
Quote:
Nice lyrics...nice song, in fact. It had a nice beat to it. Thanks for
sharing.
I never assumed that you were the silent type. ...but I can understand your
stress over lack of control. Everyone hates having no control, but then again, I
shudder to think what the world would be like of everyone could control what
happens to them. And I disagree a little with your statement about solving
problems. While it's true that some problems will resolve themselves if they are
left alone, most people these days expect someone or something else to solve the
problems for them. The fastest way for someone to get rid of a problem is to
have that person get rid of it themselves. Why wait for something to come along
when you could just as easily solve it yourself? ...or perhaps I'm ranting
again. I will say something else, though: don't try to hide the truth; it will
be found out eventually, and the only thing you would have really gained from
hiding it is more trouble.
Awww....a cool breeze. I could sure use that over here. It's gonna be another
warm day on this end. ...Oh well...
The flowers were nice. One of them reminded me of a lotus flower or a water
lily... ...I'm probably mixing up my ideas, though. As much as I like flowers, I
don't really know much about them...
I see. Truth be told, I never seem to know if I'm sick or not, unless it was
really obvious. (I got into an argument with someone just because I was too dumb
to realize I was still sick.) When I am sick, I find myself still wandering
around the house, cause I know that there are things that I can't get out of.
Sick or not, I'm still the only one around the house who is physically capable
of helping my grandpa take care of my grandma. Even if there are other people
here, he usually comes to me first when he needs help...
*bicycle horn beeps in the distance*
Speak of the devil... ...Be right back...
...I'm back. ...anyway, when I find myself sick, I do what I can to keep myself
taken care of. I'm used to being lonely, so it doesn't bother me...that
much.
You're right about having to take the initiative, but there is a problem with
desperate measures. You become so desperate to get whatever you're trying to
get, most people don't take into account what if this act of desperation were to
backfire. I know that you're worried. ....truth be told, when you talk like
this, I get the urge to reach through the net to your area, and hug you while
telling you over and over again that everything will be fine. ...but I guess the
real question is this: would you prefer to stay home, or go to the college your
parents want you to go?
Take care, Sara.
I hope that things go well for you
P.S. I forgot to mention this the other day. In that one thread, 'Ban the user
above you', someone posted a link to that 'Spam' sketch I told you about. It's
only audio, and it's been synched to an old 80's cartoon, but it's still the
same sketch, song and all. ...if you're interested, just click on the magic
word...
oh first off... i consider myself hugged your
words have touched me ne... thanks!
yatta!
hahahahahahhahahahahahaha-
i watched the SPAM vid my sister
passed by and was like "Sara...what ARE you watching?" and i just
laughed
that thing is funny! SPAM!
ahh yes i know true that most of my friends across the net think i talk much, in
fact i do, with my friends and things i talk and say whatever i want, but at
home you could say i say three sentences a day my parents
actually ask my friends if i have any other friends in school since i never
talk, but it would be rather funny cuz half the school is my friend thing is
though, i talk in my head... like at dinner when the whole family sits, in my
head i would be like "oh yeah, you know daddy what my english teacher said
today!" or "hey mum! do you know what so and so means?!" but i
never voice those thoughts as much as i
would want to say them at times, the environment just restricts me and i end up
saying nothing, though at a time i used to say all that...and i was pretty close
to my mother, so she knew everything...like i would come home and give her a
report of how my day was, they were rather fun days but then it
seemed that my mother had been storing everything i told her to use against me
in the right time...and do you know bad that was...
like all your words coming back to haunt you and bite you hahahaaahaas...how
pitiful to be honest... but that does not matter, cuz lately i don't say
anything, so any words left bit me too long ago for me to really recall how i
felt those moments hahahahas reminds me when you said time heals all wounds- you
are so right, time erases their memories as well
ahhh damn! i registered for one SAT2 subject test but i wanted to do two on that
day and now i can't register again! noo way! oh nooooo! it's all
mum's fault! she just had to come in and yell about why i did not register yet!
i hate being rushed! nooooooo! now what?! oh well...i don't care anymore i guess i
will have to find a way around this... whyyyyyyyyyyy?!
hmm hahaas which reminds me of something funny (how can i think of funny things
at a time like this is waaaay beyond me but here) my
friend always says "why Nixon?!" when something like this
happens...still i don't understand the significance of Nixon, but what i know is
that he was the President at some time or the other ...and was killed...right?
... oh
well who cares, seriously, i am not even going to college next year so why the
hurry ne? heh.. my mother was so happy i was taking a gap year yesterday, and i
was looking genuinly unhappy, she asked me what the problem was... yeah
really... no problem at all...
would i rather stay home or go to that college...truth to be told Tommy, i would
rather die...but then again that is not one of the options so my second
would be stay home...that college...really it is not my material...i metioned my
worst kinda people are shallow ones, and here there are tooooons of them...not
that, the whole college is made of them! anyway it was decided i would take a
gap year with courses in Japanese and Chinese since i want that alot... hmm
after that we will see what happens ne... besides the college, i can get an A
with my eyes closed, like i said it was arabic based, i would fail the arabic,
but i know Adham can pass the english what kinda
education is that?! not even the major i want is available there!
...not to try to hide the truth... hahahas you will never imagine... you know i
could say sometimes it seems like hell here but you do get glimpses of heaven at
times... now if the real truth were to come out... oho... the glimpses of heaven
would be nothing more than a memory... the truth is so terrible that hell will
break loose...besides now really my life is nothing more than lies and
betrayal... but sis and i try to stick to the most peaceful thing, and it would
be hiding that truth in hopes of redemption... not our redemption, sis and i did
nothing wrong... we are just hiding the truth... in fact if the truth came out,
even though we really did nothing wrong... we covered up for what was extremely
wrong... and thus we shall pay the price becuase the person who did the wrong
thing, would go and lead her own life... lemme put it like this... you could say
we are accomplices, though i would wish it was of theft or even murder, becuase
we are accomplices of something far worse than that...
trust is such a fragile thing... and i think there is nothing more painful that
the person you love most in the world betraying you and then treating you as if
you had been the coldest tyrant on earth (and that you are the wrong one) ...
oh well... i heard it too before, that truth always comes out...to be honest at
the moment i believe that, i just hope the truth waits for me and sis to go to
college before deciding to show itself... honestly...
looools! as much as i LOVE flowers i don't know much about them either!
hahhhas...
hey wait a minute...why am i laughing! this is nothing to be proud of
hehehe
hahahas
i think that is nice that at least someone in the family is able to help your
grandpa out... lools! hang in there and give it your best!~
i hope you don't get sick then, since i would be harder to help if you are not
feeling well...
hmm well being lonely is something, but the loneliness i feel when i am sick has
a different bitter taste to it there was a
time when i was talkign about that to a friend and he started telling me about
equilibruim in life...that when your body is weak, to attain a balance sort of
thing, your mind and resolve weakens a lil... and i found that to be a lil true
in fact... no wonder i can't control my emotions when i am sick but other
than that i usually feel what i want to feel and push the rest aside
hmm ok here...i am done take a look
at this, Tommy-chan...tell me if you like it
ok here this is the last before i let you go!
a song, rather a musical, by Gackt and Malice Mizer... i like it very much, in
fact when i neared the end i had the urge to clap for them too...hmm i wish i
was present in that live concert hmm i couls
swear i said this before... i wonder...hmm... weird probably a deja vu ...waa i
have been having these weird dreams lately i can't
remember them now though... waaa anyway
here it the link again:
it is nice, my fav part is at 4-27 mins and beyond, i like the beat there most
waa...anyway i have tons of work, but i am too worried to work now...what am i
supposed to do now about the SAT?! why do i always find a dead end everywhere i
turn! hahahas funny thing was once i was so pissed and stormed into class, we
were having literature, and then the teachers says "why hello Sara,
everything alright?"
*me* "yeah"
*teacher* "it is ok you know you cans till do it"
*me (thought to self-what is she talking about...)* "yeah..."
*teacher* "you must not give up"
*me (thought to self-ah great now she is preaching)* "yeah...i know
that..."
*teacher* "even when it seems the moment you open a door to your future
another ten close right under your nose"
*me (thought to self- oh looks like she knows what she is talking about)*
"ha...yeah..."
*teacher* "don't worry i know you, you won't give up"
*me (thought to self- wow she knows me... ' )*
"yup you are right... "
blabla the class goes on
but i liked the door thing, i guess literature teachers are always like that
probably that was a line in a poem somewhere
hmm
anyway...i guess i will ask my english and math teacher for help regarding the
SATs... you know before i never had to worry like this, i would have gone to
mother and we would have solved it together... but now...ha! the person i will
laaaast turn to for help is her... she used to solve my problems but now she
goes about trying to cause problems for me...
ahahahas anyone who doubted the world can change 180 degrees better think again
hahahahahaha i swear i think i am soo weird! how come i am joking when i am
supposed to be frowning?!?!?!?!
oh well guess typing to you is doing me good
hahahahahaha
anyway then! have a nice day Tommy-chan! i hope you like the friendhip banner, i
will upload it on my MT page soon...not sure when, but when i have some extra
free time...as for now...i have some major english report and math
assignment...as well as physics...the list goes on but some i won't really
bother doing
take care Tommy-chiiiiii! i hope things go well for the both of us!
It's nothing to let yourself be bothered by. I a lot of people get nervous
around doctors...and dentists...and anyone else who uses needles in their work.
My condolences on his passing; I'm sorry to hear about that. But I agree that he
has gone on to a better place.
When you start asking yourself the 'what if...'s of things, then you start
casting doubt on yourself. Try not to think about the bad side of what could
happen; the more you think about it, the more likely it will happen. Plus, keep
in mind that while you are worrying about what to do, time continues to flow.
Pretty soon, before you know it, all this time would have passed, and you still
haven't come to a decision. The better choice would be just to go ahead. If it
works out, then cool; if it doesn't, then at least you still have the experience
you learned as a result. Sometimes it's better to have something that nothing at
all.
As far as your friends go, it won't be easy. I know that your friendships mean a
lot, and you don't want to lose them while pursuing your potential future. It's
possible for you to chase while keeping your friends, but it's going to require
a balancing of your priorities when the time comes. Sometimes the right choice
will be obvious; sometimes it won't. You'll have to decide when the time comes.
...and don't worry about making the wrong choice. We make choices, and
regardless of the outcome, we learn from the choices we make.
Meeting the wrong people, huh. Well, there are those kinds of people out there.
We just need to take heed about who we open up to. I'll take your advice, but
frankly, if I didn't trust a person, I would be as far away from that person as
I could. (Sucks to be antisocial...)
I said 'doormat' because I didn't like the idea of you calling yourself a
'trashcan'. It's like when I called you 'persistent' instead of 'stubborn'; it
just sounds better. Although I agree that parents should be respected, sometimes
things need to be said. That way, at least they know. Then again, some things
are better off not being said... ...I don't know... just smack me in the head so
I can get this thing straight...
I see... Remind me never to make you mad. Then again, if I went to school with
you back then, I probably would have been there to help you beat him. It really
gets my goat when guys pick on girls. ...In any event, I'm glad that you taught
that guy a lesson.
Ouch. How does he know that Dr. J won't teach you? This doctor sounds pretty
cool if you ask me. I hope that you two get along together real well. Good luck
with the SATs when the time comes.
Sympathy should never be wasted. I know that it's hard knowing that you're
making someone worry about you, but it's a sign that they are listening, and
that they do care.
Take care, Sara.
Hope you have a nice rest.
P.S. Thanks for saying that I'm making a
difference.
don't even mention dentists...i have an appointment on Wed
ooh my debate is tomorrow...thanks god Fati and i are on the same team though
and i am pretty confident...as a whole team i know we suck real bad...but as
individuals i am pretty confident of my debatinf abilities last year i
was top speaker...thing is i never prepare and then i go out there and just say
what i would have said if i was arguing with my friend, i use alot of
personification, sayings etc... but i think it will be fun! hahahahas...school
is always fun if you ask me...as soon as i step into the house any shred of
happiness i feel outside would just be drained out of me, it is rather amazing
hahah i know, Fati says the same exact thing about the "what if.." but
to be honest, although most times on the outside i always look so composed and
in control of the situation...in my head i am just as lost and desperate for
guidance as ever....there was this friend of mine i used to turn to for guidance
but he got mad at me and after that although we talk...it's just not the same, i
dare not talk about serious matters...not because he would get angry, but he got
the wrong picture from the beginning...so there is no point and i just don't
want to make anyone mad at me... truth to be told i am so sad things turned out
like this... anyway though, probably as the number of people i can really depend
on decrease, i begin to master the art of being on my own and carrying my burden
on my own...
ah you said that time about a couple of posts ago that you did not think i was
suicidal, i forgot to reply to that
thanks i guess since i would feel very insulted if you thought i was
suicidal...in fact i would rather you call me terrible names than say for once
you thought i would be suicidal i am so
weird i know i know
hahaha concerning phone convos, i just don't like them at all! i hate talking on
the phone but that is the only way i can communicate with that friend since she
can't get on the computer long...so i bear with it...besides she is so serious,
also the loner type hahah but she is really something, i probably spend the
whole convo teasing her and poking fun and making jokes and she tells me to
shutup or go to hell but i know she does not mean any of it...cuz if she did she
would not call every other day and if she
starts blabbering rude things i would say something like "i know you love
me...you don't have to try so hard " and
she would be like "shutup you idiot! i swear you lost your mind! must be
stress! go go sleep"
*me* "oh ok then i think i will take your advice..."
*her* "where are you going? wait a minute!"
*me* "but i was listening to you.."
*her* "stop pretending to be an angel, you crazy freak, weirdo..."
XD
anyway it is rather fun, and i guess in the end she likes my company although
she makes sure she grumbles and growls most of the time which only makes me
laugh, and then she would mutter how she thinks i am nuts for laughing
ahhh... hahahahaha
you cannot imagine what happened last night!
well you see father was being soooo kind to me! 0.o i was surprised...
so today i was like this to Fati
*me* "Fati! you will not imagine what happened!" (i was grinning and
looking so cheerful that in the end she was chuckling and asking what what)
*me* "well....father was soo nice to me last night!"
*Fati (with A LOOK on her face) * "tche so?"
*me* "what do you mean "so?" i am so happy he told me
to sit with him when i was getting up to go to bed and apologized for some
mistake he had made earlier with my credit card"
*Fati* "why are you so happy?"
*me* "oh comon..."
*Fati* "you know what...ahh i wish i can choke you!"
*me (laughing) * "Forgive and forget!"
*Fati (not laughing at all) * "i swear...you are so stupid...just go
away...tche ... i swear how can anyone be crazy like you i have no damn
idea"
*me* "hahahahahaha comon now don't be so stiff"
*Fati(changing the topic)* "i got you brownies..."
*me* "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! thanks! oh yay! yummy!"
(her brownies are so yummy so i was delighted )
remember there was this once that we spoke about kind words sweeping you off
your feet? i am like this...my father can be cold to me for ages, rude and a lil
cruel...but then the one night he makes me feel appreciated and well... that my
presence really means something to him...then it is ok again i never
really hated him, at times i just felt like i didn't have any feelings for him,
but i was very happy last night when i was reading in the livingroom and then he
came home from some place he had gone to, and i finished the chapter i was
reading and got up to sleep, it was already 9-30 pm anyway, but he was like
"Sara where are you goin?"
*me* "to bed..."
*daddy* "no sit and stay with me"
*me* "sure, would you like me to get anything for you?"
blabla he asks for water.
*me* "would you like to turn on the TV?"
*dad* "well i am busy but if you want to watch anything sure
thing."
(he turns it on...but thing is...he said he was busy, but wanted me to sit with
him...you might think i would feel annoyed but in fact i was happy that he
wanted me to sit with him although he had lots of things to do, like me sitting
there would actually help him out in some way or the other...i was so pleased
that when i went to bed, i knew i was such a fool...but it did not matter... a
few kind words and actions wipe away so much in my case...i am so ready to let
go of everything...who needs the past in a case where the future would be so
much brighter?! and well even today he did not pick on me or anything...
in fact to be very honest...i sympathize with father...my mother... you
would not even wanna hear about her... i wonder why she likes Mars so much...her
head always seems to be caught there...i am wondering what it is like over
there...
probably is a lil stress free...
ohh which was soo cute
when i was sitting with father, i was reading and he was working and then he saw
me (i have the habit of shaking my leg when i am anticipating something,
stressed, in deep though etc... (just like rocking myself to sleep when i am not
well ))
and he was like "Stressed?"
and i laughed...then minutes later his own movement caught my eye and i pointed
"Stressed?" it was nice...we shared a laugh ne...
thanks for your words of wisdom...you are right... there are so many priorities
in life...
hmm ... the only reason i wanna finish college is cuz it was a weapon...but you
know the kinda knowledge i am so hungry for is not what is written in school
books...i want to travel and meet new people and learn new things... i want to
sit with an old man and talk about his experiences...and with an old woman and
hear what she has to say...i wanna meet those who are worse off than i am and
know what it feels to be really suffering... i want to understand why people
think the way they do...what makes them decide which side to take...i wanna be
around kids of so many other races and cultures...there are so many things i
want to explore...so many things i want to see!
in literature class today infact (my fate is so weird ) my lit
teacher was saying in human life :
"well the spring on life is when you are a child, the summer is while you
are growing up and reaching the middle of life...then autumn comes after that
when you are reaching your older age...and then winter when you are old"
*me* "no way i want my summer when i am old" (i was just making a
random comment i was thinking about)
*teacher* "well if you remain young at heart and try your best i am sure
you will find a way to make it the summer, but your body might not make it
possible for you, you know"
*me* "hmm perhaps..."
*teacher* "welll if it is you Sara, i can see you at 90 still laughing and
carrying yourself with your smile, and then sitting on a rock in the middle of
the sea"
*me* "hahaha perhaps...now i understand why my english teacher prays for my
husband...the poor guy won't even rest when he is over 90 with me around " and
as usual everyone laughs...
besides the poem was to dull and serious...but my comments and my friend sitting
next to me (i mentioned her before, that she sees through my sarcasm and to be
honest sitting next to her is so enjoyable) and we were laughing and i was
making the poem more of something fun, the teacher was laughing and shaking her
head and saying "you know Sara, once upon a time this poem was very
serious"
*me* "really? was it?" and we go on
with the poem
hmm..well today a friend of mine, remember the two girls i told you about who
are close friends...well they fought again today, andone of them was crying...so
for some reason it turned to a convo about trust and then a friend of mine
(again the one who sits next to me in lit) was like "you should not trust
anyone"
*me* "no way!...it would be hard to live without trusting another
soul!"
*friend* "it seems to me though you don't trust anyone"
*me* "hahahahas do i seem that way? who knows ne~ life is so
unpredictable"
*friend (smirking smile)* "ah so you choose to evade"
*me(knowing grin)*"the weather sure is lovely today"
the weather was lovely today though, it was not a sarcastic coment...how about
you? how is the weather where you are?
hmmm perhaps sometimes you should say the things you feel and think...but you
know some things hurt when they are said...so i am better off not saying them...
i don't like hurting others...and if someone else was frowning because it was my
fault...i would feel worse than a "doormat" so i would rather be a
"doormat"
hahaha i rarely get mad! well unless you would pick on sis as well then i would
be mad enough to really do something... other times i would just walk off and
think something like "turn the other cheek Sara...this is not worth
it.."
in fact when i am feeling anything strongly i tend to sing...and there is this
song i sing now when i see my mother...although i would sing in a low voice, but
the song goes something like this "Where'd you go? i miss you so... seems
like it's been forever that you've been gone...please come back home..."
but
when i see mum...in my head that is most of what i am saying... i might never
really say anything...but in my head i say alot there are
other songs for ther occaisons like on
first days of school i would wake up being so happy and sing, then sis would be
like "shutup!"
i really love my mother...why is she like this now?! where is she?! where did
she go... here are the lyrics for the song that i feel for mum: it's called
Where'd You Go
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go? Lyrics
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the
pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked
up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
i hope you heard this song somewhere...it is very nice...if not probably i can
check it up for you on youtube..
hahaha Dr.J. is so funny i met him
today before working with another teacher...and he was like "don't worry i
will teach you, just stick with teacher for the time being...i will sneak in and
sneak out" we both laughed...he works for my father that is why and my
father is there too...so you can imagine...they are afraid of him ....he is so
millitary like
hahaha true...probably i appreciate sympathy, i just don't like it when i break
down and start crying...cuz when i do any sympathy makes me feel even more
miserable for some reason...like when i cried that time and Fati's sister hugged
me i was so depressed! i find it hard to calm myself down when someone is
actually urging you to let it out
hahaha i taught him a lesson eh...not the first...there was this girl in our
school who was pulling the hair of another sitting infront of her, and i was
supervising that time, and you should have seen it!
*me* "hey you! yeah i am talking to you! what do you think you are
doing?!"
you should have seen the poor girl ... she was so ashamed to have gotten
caught...but comon if there is one thing i can't stand is the stronger ones
trampling on the weak...what gives them the right?! and where the hell is there
guilty conscious? i would feel horrible if i treated a younger girl that way
that i wuld bow to apologize...but truth is if i was the girl getting picked at
i would ask politely at first for them to stop...then simply grabbed the girl's
hand and twisted it i have such reflexes and i got so much training during this
summer...damn guy almost snapped my arm off! but that is a long story for
another time
as for now it is 10 pm and i am a lil tired from runnign around all day, my
debate tomorrow...and sis not going to school...so lucky...
my throat hurts...
hahahas anyway then take care Tommy-chii~ hope you slept well!
nightie nightie!
merged: 03-06-2007 ~ 10:31pm
Quote:
It's to be expected. I'm the same way, actually. Once you get me out of the
house, it's like I'm a different person. Anyhow, good luck on your debate.
Sometimes a spur of the moment attitude helps in a debate.
We all have doubts running through our minds. That's why some people turn to
others for help. The problem is we can't expect how the other person will react.
It's sad that things turned sour between you and this guy, but you shouldn't
beat yourself up over it. But it's cool that you and 'that friend' of yours get
along. ...and even if you were suicidal, I would never stoop as low as to ever
call you names. It just isn't right, at least not to me. ...and if you ever did
get me on the phone, just expect periods of awkward silence solely because I get
really nervous when I have to talk to
people.
Ah...one of those surprising moments? I see. It's cool that he was nice to you.
That just goes to show that it's hard to peg someone a certain way; all they
have to do is something completely different. ...Oh yeah, the brownies were a
nice touch too.
I see. You crave the experience of the world. I hope that you get to fulfill
those dreams. ...and I thought that poem was interesting. It's saying that we
tend to be more active early in our lives. But, then again, I know of a few
people over here in the states that are still active even though they are really
old. Reminds me of an old riddle... but yeah, I guess it was too
serious.
The weather over here is pretty decent. Sunny skies with a few stray clouds.
Pretty decent temperatures... I just wish that I didn't have a migraine the
whole day, let alone one of 'those kinds' of migraines. Oh well...maybe it will
go away when I wake up...
It's sad that those two are fighting again. I hope that they get to make up, and
put aside whatever caused the problem between them. ...It's true that sometimes
things are better left not being said. But when silence will only lead to bigger
problems down the line, sometimes something has to be said, even if it results
in hurt feelings. It's sad having to be the one to say it, but sometimes it's
better than remaining silent and letting more people get hurt because of
it.
...Interesting lyrics. Can't say that I've heard the song before. Sorry. It
sounds interesting, though. The cries of memories long since past...
It's hard to break down like that in front of your friends, I know. ...but if
you find it hard to calm down when someone asks you to let it all out, I guess
it just shows how much you're really letting out. It's supposed to be a good
thing, I mean, it's unhealthy to keep it all in. ( I know that in spades) But I
can understand why you'd feel miserable in that situation.
A strong sense of justice? I salute you! I'm glad that you stood up to the
hair-puller. Makes me curious as to what kind of training you were talking
about...or perhaps I should mind my own business...
Sorry if it seems like I don't have much to say this time around. Like I said
earlier, I've been floored by a(nother) migraine. I'll try to be more talkative
the next time around.
Take care, Sara.
haaa! yaay i came out top speaker this year too!
you know what a girl told me when i walked out afterwards when everything was
over? she was like "when you were talking i was like in my head i am sorry
i swear i am innocent i won't do anything again "
it was rather funny, moreover my math teacher during her lesson which was after
the function was like "wow, Sara to be honest i was wondering if this was
the same nice and gentle Sara i taught" but i admit
i get a lil agressive...besides the thing is i never argue so when i am forced
into a position of making a point i believe in, especially since i don't sit
there and memorize my points, they come out pretty strong... but our team lost
who cares
basiclly i was never in it to win anything...
my head is killing me too and i am going to bed, i will call father soon and
tell him to cancel my tutoring today...i don't think i can manage it now i feel so
heavy and i want to sleeeep
hmm the reason why i would get insulted if someone would think i was suicidal is
cuz inside i am always fighting myself and everything... and it bothers me when
i was ever called suicidal just like it would dishonor a knight if he were
called a coward... i don't believe in suicide or things like that...even when i lose
hope i never would consider cutting myself! so the thought of someone else even
imagining i would think of it is rather extremely insulting
hmm in fact if i ever do get you on the phone there would never be anything like
awkard silence...with me around that just never happens... i don't think i ever
experienced that since if you would not do some talking, be sure i would do it
for the both of us you might think i am kidding, but it is very true i cannot stand
uncomfortable silence so you can say it is in my nature to ensure i never have
to go through uncomfy silence afterall it
would ruin my reputation if you would feel uncomfy around me which
reminds me of all the funny stuff that go around, i can't completely remember
now since my head hurts and i am not in condition to recall amusing things but i
use that alot "ruin my reputation" and it would usually be for bad
things
like talking in class or being late, if a teacher says "come to my class
early" i would be like "no way! want me to ruin my reputaition? Mrs!
have some mercy!"
in fact today my bio teacher, we almost were out of her reach, wanting to go to
the canteen and she caught us, "Mrs...please we wanna go to get
water!"
*teacher* "nah"
*Fati* "please i am dehydrating!"
*me* "yeah see! she's dying oh nooo!"
*teacher* "i don't think so...go after i explain the important points, it
is better for you"
*me* "what an excuse for dehydrating..."
*teacher* "better than your excuses ha! "i don't care" "who
cares" "
(the teacher has major issues against me using these phrases ) but it was
funny...she is very nice...paternal, but you never wanna get on her bad
side...that woman is scary when angered...
haha we have a party in school tomorrow, my friends and i are getting food to
school and you should see us...i am anticipating it from now tomorrow is
almost a free day so this is me
"Yaaaay, i am not coming tomorrow!"
*Fati (not even waiting for me to totally complete* "oh yes you
are"
*me, not waiting for her to totally complete* "Yaaaay i am coming to school
tomorrow!"
XD then we
would laugh...but it is exactly how it goes...i wish i would not have to get up
early, but Fati says i am going so it means i am
besides you should see how we act when there is food it is soooo
funny! we would literally "dig in" but i barely eat much in fact i
would take alot then pass my plate to her since i am not much of an eater and
lately i have no appetite for anything
i hope you feel better when you wake up
hah...put aside...i donno if that is possible...i feel so sorry for my father
sometimes i wish i can hug him to comfort him but he is just as unaccepting of
sympathy as i am so you can imagine
as for mother...i pray for the day that she will wake up... dreaming too long is
not so good ne... besides i don't think i can take much more of her antics and i don't
think Fati can take much more of being only a listener... hahahahhas
haha hope you like the song
yups i want to see beyond the world i live in... i am sure there is so much to
see and it would be so heartwarming
it's unhealthy to keep it all in but it is what i hope that by being able to
keep it all in you grow emotionally a lil stronger and can bear a lil more...
loools but what do i know
waa i am soo tired...it is only 5-14 pm but i am exhausted...so i am going to
bed now...
ahh it was not training i am one of
my school's representative and part of the school council as well so we tend to
have to supervise during assemblies and any sort of speechgivings etc... so when
i was supervising and making sure everyone was not talking and things, that girl
was bullying...
yeah i do have a strong sense of justice becuase there is already too much
injustice in the world and someone should do something about the lil injustices
that one can control
hmmm i hope you are feeling better...
sadly there were many other things i wanted to tell you but i don't have the
energy anymore
take care Tommy-chii! talk to you more next time!
P.S. and i agree with your statement, remaining silent had actually multiplied
the bad...but then when you do talk you are just getting yourself under attack
and already labelled selfish...i will tell you more about it next time... i am
about to really collapse nightie!
Woah, man...
I've never seen guestbook posts this LONG!
Took me an entire 2 and a half minutes to scroll down!
Just wanted to say HI! to Kyuzo...
So... HI KYUZO!
Yeah. I'm glad that Silver's neck is alright. I never used to be bothered by
doctors...that is until the day I took Silver to the vet, and the doc used an
anal thermometer. I was only watching, and I still got the creeps. I'm sure
that he knew better, but then again, maybe he was trying to get a really bad
taste out of his mouth.
Keep at it, that's all I can say to you. If you give up now, then you will end
up regretting it in the long run, no matter what happens. Keep trying, cause
just having the knowledge will be of a great benefit. ...and don't worry about
your time on the net. The more you think about it, the more likely you'll put it
over your studies. I'm sure that all of your net friends will
understand.
I'm sure that things are pretty relaxed at your school from the sounds of it.
...and I'm sure that your teachers will remain in your memories throughout your
life. Cherish these memories, while at the same time, try to find and interact
with your new ones so you can try to create new experience on the same level.
Who knows what kind of people you will meet?
I'm glad to hear that your friend is alright. But truth be told, it's a real
tender subject. Odds are good that this teacher was only trying to help the
situation, but at the same time a degree of trust was placed with her. By
telling the parents, no matter the intent, this trust was violated. By the way,
I don't think that you're suicidal at all. (Even if the slightest part of you
was, I suck at phone conversations...)
I can understand why you feel that way about your friends and your problems. You
may feel like your problems might be a burden, but others might not feel the
same way. I kinda have an idea why Fati reacted that way. We want to help, but
sometimes we doubt that our help is any good. It's times like that when you try
to reassure the person that their help is appreciated. Don't worry about being a
burden; I can assure you that you are not.
I apologize for the 'doormat' comment. But given your desire for knowledge, I
doubt that you will ever end up with someone as pigheaded as that. Like you told
me a while back, intelligence is a woman's strongest weapon. If you can keep
your smarts sharpened, I'm sure that you will find a good spouse. ...and truth
be told, I pity the person who would try to cross you in that situation. Like
they say 'Hell hath no fury...'
Speaking of which, you never told me about what happened when you were in second
grade. I'm intrigued.
You and I are alike on that field. We don't like the idea of having others worry
about us, yet we are both prone to worrying about others. (in my case, I just
think that it's pointless to be worrying about someone as invisible as me...)
...I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I won't force you to talk about your
troubles if you don't want to. But I want you to know that whatever your
problems may be, I don't mind hearing about them. Most importantly, know that I
will be here to comfort you as best as I can if you are ever troubled.
Take care, Sara.
P.S. Don't worry about replying right away. Finish up whatever you have to do;
I'll still be here when you come back.
hehe...i understand but naturally doctors make me tense inside...no idea
why...to be honest there was this doctor who could be called a family doctor, we
know him for over ten years...and i loved him soo much! he was about my father's
age, and i really loved him (as a parent sort of thing ne )
there was one time we were taking shots against flu and well he was like
"Ok, Sara, how about you read for me that poem hanged there?"
*me* "well Dr. gimme the shot then i will read it for you"
*Dr.* "no no you read it then i will give you the shot"
*me* "no no no i insist, i will read after you give the shot..."
*Dr.* "you should listen to your elders and i insist you read"
*me* "NO waaay!" (here he steps away and i thought i might have
angered him or something) "Where are you going? what about..."
(the nurse was giving me a totally amused look...and well...turned out the the
doctor gave me the shot while i was debating with him and being...persistent
)
he was such a great man... and i really wish he were here...thing is
though...
he died of cancer around three years ago... i was young and stupid and blind...i
wish i knew...i would have forced mother...she tells me he was in a
hospital...and i was not the only one who loved him...so many others did... and
in his funeral mother said so many attended...if i had understood then i would
have been at the funeral! i love him so much even now... i remember an elderly
man who always brightened up whenever we walked into his office...and i would go
to him whenever i had an english project to interview him and take his
opinion... but i am sure he is in heaven now...and well...he was a good
man...
hmm to be very honest with you Tommy-chii...to me many things come before my
studies...my friends and loved ones ....to be honest i would rather spend time
with a friend than seek knowledge that would in no real way get me anywhere...
ok i am not saying it is not important...but what if all this leads nowhere? my
parents everything...it's all against me...i am not giving up or
anything...still fighting for a dream that would most likely not even come
true...i don't have much faith in my own abilities to make my dreams a lil
fraction of reality...and then it would be time wasted...i would spend my time
studying and then what? my connections to all my friends would...loosen and
weaken...like out of sight out of mind sort of thing ne... and then i would have
no just lost the education i dream about, but also friends that i cherished...
so nah...this is not how i do things...study yeah sure i can't deny it is
important...but to me there are priorities and finding, or rather making time for friends is more than
important
yups to be honest i love meeting new people, but you know sometimes there are
people i come across that somehow i feel uncomfortable being around...and in the
end my instincts prove right...for example our far cousin...she is about two
three years older than me...when i met her, i never trusted her...ok i would
treat her nicely and things but never really let our friendship go farther...and
in the end about a month or so after we left...she was talking all sorta things
about us and stuff...just proved that my instincts were right so i am glad i
never told her anything of significance...
you know...never ever do something wrong infront of someone you don't
trust...and if you happen to do that...never make that person angry or your sin
will be for the world to know... just a piece
of advice so randommmmm!
hmm i am glad to know i am not a burden...i would not wanna be that is for
sure...in fact now the idea of being a burden makes me a lil ashamed of
myself...
hahah why are you apologizing? i thought it was a lil creative expression! you
sure have a knack for expressions that are quite interesting... doormat huh quite
effective too...
hahahaha i guess you are right... i guess you are right... haaa! no wonder my
english teacher tells me she prays for my husband to be muahahaha! hey wait a
minute! she should be praying for me! whatever...i
think it is true that i can handle my own...i just keep myself under control
becuase i don't want to hurt those i used to love...besides love or not, parents
should be respected no matter what....or so i still think, although everyone
around me seems to say i should sit my parents down and rant to my heart's
content...stuff about making them open their eyes...
well if they need eye-opening, i really would not wanna be the one to do it
hahaha well about that incident... you said so yourself hell hath no fury
well you see to make the story short my sis was
in kindergarten still and this guy who was three years my senior comes out of
nowhere and had the guts to pick on MY sister (notice the possessive
pronoun...means trouble )
simply the next day when i found out i kicked him to the ground literally
too! i asked father to buy me boots and well went looking for him and he was out
there waiting for sis to pick on her...my how dare he! thinking he can pick on
my sis and get away with it ... i am sure he never picked on another kid again
hahahahahahahahahas! that is a funny memory that sis and i talk about whenever
we feel like getting a good laugh... the guy even came out to my dad afterschool
and was like "i am never going to pick on the girl again...your daughter is
so strong " thing is i always was a tomboy till about this year...still being the
eldest my father had always wished i had been born a son rather than a
daughter...so to make him proud i might have done things guys did...i loved my
dad alot and respected him... well i still acnowledge his leadership skills and
respect him and honor him for he is my father...but feelings for him? or my mum?
tche...no thanks..
you might be invisible but you still exist...that alone makes a difference in my
life ne... turns out i am not the only weird one, welcome to the club jk jk...
hm you know what...remember when i said Fati just sat there while i
cried...thing is i never accept sympathy...and when i receive it , i just get
more emotional and it is worse...so i would rather everyone is cold to me i
guess...cuz then i get myself under control...i don't like being sorry for
myself...even when things go wrong i try to lie to myself and say
"see...life sure is nice for you ne.." i used to lie to myself and
believe it...but i am unable to do that anymore sadly
waaa finally i registered for my SAT exams! and i got tutored today! yeah i am
happier now, so relieved since the teachers like me and i know one of them from
before (tutors i mean) and when i thanked one of them (he's a guy around my
father's age as well, name is Dr. Jose, but we all call him Dr. J.) and well
after he finished explaining some of the material i was like "Thanks DR. J.
i am very grateful and i appreciate your time" and he was like "Don't
thank me please, we love you so much and it is a pleasure to be of
assisstance" (so polite ne ) and i was
like "Yes and i love you all too, but i respect you as well and you are
entitled for a thanks"
as you can see this is basically how i go around developing good relations with
my teachers but anyway my father keeps saying Dr.J won't teach me cuz he is a
man... whatever...
ahh i have to go now...lots of work and anyway sis is kicking me out since she
wants to go to sleep ...hahah she is not feeling well so i have to do my work
elsewhere...
have a nice day Tommy-chii, take care!
P.S. you know i really do trust you, that is not why i am evading talking about
my life...but you don't wanna get sick i am glad
you are reassuring me...and it is an honor and pleasure to be your friend and
that you care...and i want you to know those feelings are mutual... nightie
nightie!
I know how hard it is to reveal your weaknesses to your friends. There is always
the fear that they might react in a bad way. But you said that you've known Fati
for a while. She can see right through you, and that would make one assume that
she gets bugged when she sees you hurt or depressed. Who wouldn't; I mean if you
see your best friend in some sort of pain, you naturally want to do something
to. The problem is, sometimes there are people who want to help, but can't
because,even if the problem is clear, they have no idea what to say or do. (A
feeling I'm all too familiar with...) So while you might not understand why they
are like that, they are simply doing what they can to help. It may seem like a
burden to throw these problems out on your friends, but that's why they are
there; to cover your back when the chips are down.
I won't say anything about your future education (you said it's something you
don't want to think about.), but I'm sure that you and Fati will keep in touch.
The physical form might be going away, but her words and spirit should still
remain to speak their wisdom to you.
So...you're a Leo? I see. My b-day makes me a Virgo, which makes me some sort of
perfectionist. (I just consider it an annoying attention to detail...) I hate
being that way, but the only reason I act that way is so I don't get in trouble
for low-quality work. I find it strange though...
Leo...Lionhearted...Squall...did fate set this thing up in advance or
something?
We all have something that we develop some sort of attachment to. I used to have
a red piece of fabric that I used to carry around. It used to be a bandanna for
a Halloween costume, but I kept it as some sort of extension of my imagination.
It's fallen apart over the years, but I try to keep it together.
I guess the rain's connection to a pregnant woman would be the whole thing of
the water breaking. ...which I understand. Sometimes the rain will hit really
hard all of a sudden, then fade just as quickly.
In any event, take care of yourself.
Hope you had a nice rest, Sara.
oh yeah Fati gets bugged alot when i frown, since i don't really frown much so
when i do it means i really am dwelling but there
was this one time i made a spectacle of myself right in the middle of the first
period...waa that was so bad a friend came to me later and was like "i hope
you are ok, you know...you were the last person on earth i ever thought would
cry" she was right, i was disappointed in myself, and i am sure i let her
down by being unable to control my feelings, what happened was my mother was out
fo the country on some trip with my youngest brother, we were (sis me and my
other bro) with our father at home ne...and the night before my friend, Fati was
over since we were studying computer, when they left my father was mad at me, i
went to sit with him like evry night when mum was away, almost to tend to his
needs in my mother's stead, but he was like "Go out you are busy" and
i was like "no, i mean i would like to sit with you, i am not busy at
all." and he said "i said go and see to your business" so i was
afraid of hiw unpredictable wrath, and left (no duh )
but i was really sick that time, other than the extreme lonliness that had
decided to settle over me for some reason or another, weird moments i assume it
was a phase, but the next morning we had school, i had a sore throat, the flu,
and worse than all of that, my body was burning with fever... but i would not
dare stay at home, father would have me for breakfast, and i would rather not
stay, there was nothing there for me...so i went to school but not before
stopping by the pharmacy, where i was introduced to the painkillers i told you
about, Solpadeine...i guess that is why i like them so much, when i had no idea
what to do those tablets were great...besides allaying the pain in my throat,
the fever was gone after four tablets as in by the
end of school day my fever had broken and i was ok...
but before that, in class when i walked in, my bag was too heavy to carry, i was
late but i guess i looked ready to scream so the teacher nodded and i sat down
inmy place next to Fati...if she had not turned to me with that look in her eyes
like she wished she could kill father, i would never have said anything,
probably even opened my math book and stared at the numbers, but she did turn to
me and was like "why are you here?" and i just burst into tears... it
was true...why the hell was i there! i really wanted to be at home, cuddleing
against my pillow...resting and...well feeling a lil safe and secure...besides
there were other things troubling my...my mother was not well either, other than
that, because of her i was yelled at everyday for three weeks...i couldn't
handle much on my own...i had tests those days too... and i guess i was very
distraught so i left the room...but it was no use, i spent three hours crying
like a kid...Fati never said anything, and it was better that way, probably her
showing sympathy would have been bad, i always depended on her strength, and she
just sat there while i cried... after that day, i never felt the same way about
father ... i never loved him or respected him the way i did...for me to be
scared about staying home was something very sad
but anyway...it was something i could not control and i felt better later...even
now it doesn't matter to me how i feel about home...better have a plce to stay
than no place to stay ne
you know what i think might be a problem, when you come to talk to your friend,
they get a sense of helplessness in them really... i know from Fati, since she
gets frustrated, maybe in some friendships, these frustrations later then could
strain the friendship... like a friend might start thinking "Why does she
tell me all that stuff? i can't do anything for her! i am helpless! i am not
good enugh" stuff like that...then maybe friendships could be threatened,
but then again i guess if they are really good friendships then they would not
really...but i don't want any of my friends to think that or feel that way...
hahaha true i said i don't wanna think about it but it is inevitable, if you
want to give any sort of suggestion or comment they are always welcome you know
Leo...Lionhearted...Squall... hahahahhas i never really thought of it that
way...but if i am correct i think Squall is a Leo as well...wait lemme
check...
*checking* August 23, which is the last day of the Leo...hmm it means he is a
Leo?
hahaha another interesting thing though, Rinoa is born on March third, and sis's
b-day is March 2...cool hahahahahas
hmm well i am no perfectionist at all, except when i do something for dad then i
worry about how well i am doing, but other than that you could say i am an
organized freak! it is so annoying but serious...like i would plan to start
doing something on Saturday, if it is not available or i am unable on saturday
for any reason, even if it i am able on monday or sunday, then i would not do
it, and wait till the next satruday...my plans have to be followed in every
single detail or else i abandon them ... *sigh* even before studying i have to
arrange all my things, in class my papers are in one stack, books in another and
notebooks in another...and if i arrange things ontop of each other, they have to
be in order from largest at the bottom to the smallest at the top even my
friends like using my computer, it is so organzied, certain pics in sertain
files...everything named accordingly...you should take a look at sis's computer,
that thing is a mess, pics here and there and the desktop itself looked
hilarious
hahaha fate... me
and Lady Fate are well acquainted *thinks: i hope that Lady meets some serious
misfortune* yeah like i said, Fate and i...
yeah i grow attatched to anything that you put "my" infront of My
Lappy, My pillow, My books ....My friends too
once my friend and i were discussing names of things, she named her computer
something or the other and asked what about me, i told her i call My Lappy
"Mine"
hahahah i guess i see, my friend was about to explain what she meant by pregnant
woman, but then her father called and was ready to pick her up, which was around
midnight so she left, talking about some other things...oh right cake...and some other
things
it was really fun yesterday though, i have not laughed so much so hard for so
long now...it was so nice...
what we did was record a couple of minutes (around ten actually) of our
conversation...and it was sooo funny! even today when i listened to it again, it
was very funny...
and one funny thing was Fati called me Tarzana i have no
idea why, we were being crazy for some reason or another, the recording would
make you think we were high or drunk but it was really nice... what
else...hahahas we talked about chicken 0.o no idea why it was supposed to be so
funny, but it was
there was that...Fati said she wished she could fly and i nodded, then i said i
was afraid of heights so too bad...she kinda got mad, she was like "i knew
it, you were gonna make an excuse to stay behind and remain here...i just knew
it" but i laughed and poked her to forget about it... she is rather
funny...i mean i truly am afraid of heights...but then again probably i am
making excuses....she always says those thinks that keep me thinking for ages...
like once when she said she feels like i am a cave in a mountain with an opening
on the other side, she says she knows if she can reach the other side it would
be great, but as soon as she reaches somewhere she feels like something pushes
her in the darkness and she is back where she started it was a
very amusing outlook on how i am, but i apologized...for i donno...being like
that? probably was something unconscious... lools though i never remembered
closing up on her...i mean i tell her alot about what goes on in my life, more
than my parents too...and in fact i got into trouble today, my father was
sitting at the table and he was like "Why are you smiling like that? you
talk with your friends and here on the table you pretend to be wronged and a cat
that lost its tongue" (what the hell he was picking on me and saying girls
in the family don't go to college, really if he wants me to talk he should
discuss better things than try to get on my nerves by implying he won't let me
go to college...in his damn dreams if he thinks he can marry me off! and my mum
was laughing right along with him...really next time i should consider laughing
a
thanks! sure!see ya!
Lolz. I sometimes drop by to see if anything has changed on your user page ((which I do daily to all my friends. I cant help it, I'm just odd like that.)). But as I look for any changes I get distracted by that long paragraph thingy. I decide to try and read it, and for a while it works. Then I'll remember: Oh Yeah I forgot to post in the Forum's for today. So then Ill race off, post, come back, get distracted, remember, race off, post, come back, get distracted, remember and so on. Then I'll get off the computer for the day. Or at least until I remember why I got off in the first place.
Anyway I just dropped by and remembered: Hey I haven't replyed to GearStalker's post yet. So I come here. Get distracted. Post this and now Im going to race off to the forums! But first; How have you been?
Cya around!
~Ele~
haa why thank you! i am glad you are proud of me! it is pretty much an honor:D
hahaha the water escapades
truth to be
told we were not as thirsty as we said we were 
just an
excuse to leave but the teacher is so funny...anyway she is really sweet... 
and truth to
be told even when i am with my friend on the phone there are so many quiet
moments, but i would not say they are uncomfy since i would catch up on some
work and she would just...i donno what she would be doing actually 
but if i say
"i think i will go now" she would say no so i stay 
but it is
rather fun, even the quiet moments are fun to me 
i don't
think it is messed up problems 
lools thanks i think you are even nicer than i am to be honest, well i can imagine it, i am a very visual person i think i mentioned that, so concerning we never met face to face it would not be very easy for me to express many things...since i can't see your expression to judge what topic of discussion would please you most to stick to it and what would be considered boring from your expressions i would try to avoid
hahah yes truth to be told i could not remember i heard the song on TV once upon a time till i saw the video clip and i was like "hey that was a song i liked!"
it is very pleasant ne...and very sad as well...
hmm i got migraines..from myself i guess since none of my parents suffer from it...but truth to be told i got alot from my father more than mum, very undertsandable since i had always admired my father and wanted to be like him... so now i have alot of extra self confidence, and a sense of pride, when i get angry my pride often shows but other than that i don't think i am arrogant or anything...hope not
hmm
what else...lools no idea anyway... unlike my sis and father though i don't have
that ability to stay angry at anyone for over ten minutes 
hahahaha Yes sir Tarzan!
sounds cool
i guess you are right! hope is never lost... 
ooooh Tommyyyyyyyy! Daddy gave me flowers!
thing is I
just came back from tutoring and I pass by his office before and after since it
is in the same building blabla...but anyway when I went in I was like “Hii
daddy, how are you” etc... and then I noticed a vase of such lovely flowers,
such angelic white flower and a pale sorta yellow roses that were just tooo
lovely, so I was like “ahh such pretty flowers! And your office smells so lovely
too!” and then he said “you can take it” and I was like “take a rose? Sure I
will then before leaving” but then upon leaving I passed by his office again and
was like “ok daddy I am going home now, would you like anything?”
*dad* "here Sara, take the vase of flowers, lemme call wait* (he calls someone to pick it up for me)
"hey wait though, would you like the pink ones?"
*me* "ahh nice! but no thanks i think those are nicer (referring to the white ones i had already fallen inlove with)
*dad (there were a couple of employees standing there, teachers and Dr.J )* (he talks to them) "this is my daughter Sara, i am proud of her."
*me* (surprised but pleased smile)
haha i was so happy... ooh look he just came back from his office... again gotta run loools!
ok ok back now...
in
15 mins i have to leave for an appointment... *sigh*
ok this song is very very nice, a jap song but i think you might like it...as for the lyrics...heheh i will leave it to you to search for them, or maybe next time ne...i am at a race with time now
Hana ((by Orange Range))
hmm you are right about the silence... you might think i have not tried to voice out a minor fraction of what i thought...well we were in a restuarant at that time...and not just that...i made mum cry...i cried along with her...and then the next morning she walked into my room and woke me up...and then she was very harsh about what she thought of me and my opinions... there were times before that...and i did try after that a lil more subtly...but it was alll in vain...and the reason for all of it...i fought it all along, not just verbally but physically! i tried as hard as i could... but it never worked out...nothing worked, really nothing at all... so in the end i stopped trying... i donno really... sometimes nothing you say can make a difference...people get so blind that nothing you say or do can open their eyes and it is rather sad that things come to end this way... it is hard for me to understand many things...that is why what i seek is not knowledge in books...i want to know more about the world from another perspective...i wanna understand... i really don't mind many things... but to come to this...it gets a lil hard... i am not going anywhere...i am not sure i am even going to college you know...but i never say anything to anyone but Fati now...you know...there are so many things that trouble me but i just don't want to burden anyone...and even when i complain about a headache...a friend of mine... said that if i would stop saying my head hurt and complained..then maybe it would stop...
i felt bad
really...proabably for talking to the wrong person probably for letting myself
actually talk about what i feel.... although to be honest a headache is the
least of my troubles and worries... but who would know ne... 
but
anyway...i don't even wanna think about what i will do when Fati leaves
forever... you know even sometimes in classes we don't have together...recently
this fear kinda worries me...like almost losing a crutch... Fati is almost like
my crutch...i come to her every single day with something to tell her... even
today i was really going to stay home and go to school at like 11 am, but my
mother happened to wake up and tell me a few things that made me flee the house!
i
really wanted so much... i am so ambitious...but to be able to not even acheive
a tiny bit of my dreams... that sure is sad 
looooooools!
ahh not done! have to go now...
hahahahahhahahaha
baaaaaaack!
hmm nothing much happened, just talked a lil with the dentist and blabla happened...anyway
then i came
back from school and about ten minutes after prepareing to get tutored and
having to leave again, and then when i came back and the list goes on
hahahahahhaahas
i am glad i am back! finally i can finish this! you know when i started?! last night when i received it and then sis kicked me off the compy, then in the morning before school...i typed a paragraph before sis woke up and asked me to go to school and let her sleep in peace
hahaha today when i was leaving to get tutored, before that my brother, Adoomy, had spent his time with me in the room, and i was trying on some new shirts that i had bought and he was there so i was modelling for him
asking him
if he thought my shirts were cute 
and he was
so funny, at first he started evading, talking about his gameboy but i was
giving him a pained look and was looking like i was on the verge of a serious
breakdown so he was like in the end"yes your shirt is nice" so i
kneeled infront of him since he was sitting on his bed and it was just soo
funny, since i grabbed his toes and was like "yaaaaaay" and he was
laughing 
then we kept at it, him saying my shirt was nice and me wriggling his toes
and shouting "yaaaay" 
was rather
fun since i was so bothered before leaving the house, and he was running around
and begged to go with me, so i was like "my teacher will punch and kick me!
you want me to die?!" and he was like "no i will kill the
teacher!" 
was rather
cute and funny... i am so glad we are so attatched..and besides, it feels good,
when you try to give him love growing up and take care of him sincerely, and
then it comes back at you since he is very loving as well...and he cares alot
about my feelings...like i told him "please darling go inside now, daddy
will shout if i am late"
he
sure is a lil tiger, since he was born i hat always called him Tiger...and i am
so glad he is the way he is...i am sooooo proud of him, very very proud... he is
so smart and his expressions are so innocent and sincere...you never really have
to wonder what his intentions are...they are written all over his face... i am
hoping life won't change that...being honest is such an admirable thing ne 
i am so
protective of him, more so since when he was so young i took care of him, and
till now i am the one who really takes care of him...mother has no real
time...
then when i was about to leave i had to wait for my driver since he was not there, and my bro was giving me company outside in the garden
*me* "what?! how?!"
*Adham* "with a big big big knife!"
*me* "noooooo! who will teach me if you kill the teacher?!"
*Adham* "i will teach you"
*me* "what?! what will you teach me you smart snerd?!"
*Adham* "letter A and Q"
*me* " haaaaaahahahahhas really? ok then i see"
*Adham* "but i cannot write...how i will draw letter A?"
*me* "you seeeeeeeee?! how will i study! nooooooooo!"
hahahahas and i go on wailing and he tries to gain control of the situation but me being inlove with teasing him to no end, i wail on and on about poor me
and then before i left, he stood at the gate and was like "Bye Sara, i love you, i miss you"
*Adham* "i will punch him if he shouts to you"
XD
probably i will send you a pic of him so you would see how adorable he is
ahhh look he came
excuse me then ...brb 
*adham (drinking milk from his baby bottle) "i wanna hold you hand and sleep, tell me story"
XD
haha baaack!
anyway now...hmm...thanks for saying you were proud of me...makes me feel like a lil delighted kid
hahaha here i took a pic of the flowers father gave me!
Flower1
Flower 2
hahaha and here is something funny Fati said the other day when we were arranging the party, a friend asks her "what are you getting (food) tomorrow?"
*Fati*"i'm not getting anything"
*friend* "oh comon"
*Fati* "actually i am getting a plate and fork and digging in"
*me* "hey! how about getting two plates, i need one too you know"
*friend* "you're not getting anything either, Sara?"
*me* "hmm...probably a spoon..."
*Fati* "hey! how about getting two spoons? i might need one too you know!"
hahahahahahas was rather amusing, but Fati got barbique chicken which was too good that i ate alot of it...and what was so funny is that Fati commented that i ate like a cat
ohh you know i finished the book, Memoirs of a Geisha...hmm my feelings towards the end...i was more annoyed... and bothered at how she handled things...to be honest in my daily life, i believe duties come before emotion...and there was this guy who she owed her life to...but she ...ahh you have to read it i don't wanna spoil it for you...but then how much sacrificing is love worth? hmm... anyway it is mostly fiction...but still the ending was not as good as the story...i guess i am being very critical but i would have expected a better sort of ending...soemtimes you come to the end and have this feeling that it was rushed, or the author just wanted to finish... and then the end does not come out so powerful... hmm... or probably it was just me...she dies without repaying her debt...that is so not nice! he saved her freakin life! he was so kind to her! he...was so damn kind! the guy was cold to everyone else, and he was biting to everyone else...but to her he was careful about not hurting her feelings and things...but in the end how does she repay him?! tche... who cares about love when you have duties?! i think it goes that way...because it is so unfair for the guy... i felt so bad for him! she broke his heart! and what kind of friend was the other man?! what is thisssssss?!
but then
again, probably it is just me 
yes i feel much better...i hope YOU are feeling better ne... i would rather you inform me if your sleep had removed the throbbing in your head ne... would make me feel better to know you are feeling better
as for now...i am going to.... sleeeeeep!
but yups
although no school tomorrow i have loads of work to do 
take care
Tommy-chiii! by now you would have awakened, so morning! and have a great
day!
merged: 03-08-2007 ~ 03:33am
seems like your friends are complaining about the length of your
GB...i wonder though if it ever occured to them... if you press the
"end" key on the keyboard you would be transferred to the end of the
page within secs... 
hmm hehehe
hmm anyway then...nighties!
merged: 03-08-2007 ~ 08:49pm
hmm true, the weather is a major started of a migraine, but i would assume you would get used to it in a few days...probably you worry and think too much though... i know that since when i start to really think and dwell, my head pounds
ok here are the lyrics to the song i sent earlier, translated from Jap to English:
With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll come back as a flower by your side.
will the sun right above me always be there?
will I always be able to keep safe,
the laughing, crying, angry faces you make?
if it's all going to end someday anyway,
we should be even more grateful
that we could find each other
the miracle of that day, that time and that place
will give birth to a new track.
growing stronger through love,
overcoming through faith
what you left me with, is still here in my heart
see, it hasn't lost its shine
I think of things happily, that we could find each other
that I could regain my smile
with these overwhelming feelings of "gratitude",
I push forward on my journey
With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll want to see you
I'll scatter like flower petals
I'll accept all this world throws at me
you left me with a real treasure called "the here and now"
so I'll live the best I can, and be a flower
why do flowers wilt?
why can birds fly?
why does the wind blow?
why does the moon shine?
why am I here?
why are you here?
why could I find you?
it was fate, that I meet you.
the rain lets up, a rainbow forms across the sky,
the light is born by the strong spring wind,
I become aware of something precious, and unyielding
called "loving"
Can I still keep on? I can see it now,
my feeling will last the ages and ring out for all time
your joy, your pain, your everything
go on, bloom in full, bigger, bigger, and bigger.
nice ne? the lyrics are lovely..
hahahahas a mine again
tell you what... i think i am surrounded by mines so don't worry about stepping
on one, odds are they never will explode or anything anyway 
and what you
say does not bother me in the least.... what bothers me is that i can't do a
damn thing about what bothers me... but anyway that is not important
now...lools...probably if you stop wishing a problem could be solved, then the
problem will somehow solve itself...problem is sis and i are a bit too shrewd
when it comes to family matters and even if someone tries to coneal something or
do it without anyone knowing, sis or i come across the truth too soon that it
causes alot of tension...probably if we went with the flow and pretended things
never really changed then it would be ok... but ok family problems aside... the
other thing that kills me is the fact my parents are...cruel 
dammit i
wanna go to college but they are creating excuses for me to stay here! and you
don't understand there is only one college here that ic an attend and it is
ARABIC BASED dammit! i don't evn know arabic... and the thing is my parents are
puching their luck, just cuz i am silent now does not mean i won't say somthing
when the time really comes... my parents underestimate me and i hope they stop
playing around soon...they have three months to get serious about what they are
"deciding for me" or i will make them decide what i want... simply...i
fear nothing... that is bad ne 
hahahahas
honest to god i am so not afraid of anything...the worst they can do is what?
nothing! so i am stepping down when the time comes 
and no you
are not bothering me and i am not so bothered...just telling you a few of what
goes around here 
but say
whatever comes to mind, truth to be told i say what comes to mind...i am saying
what comes to mind even now muahaha 
hmm which reminds me...don't worry about what you say ne...you can say whatever you want and even your opinion on what i say and comment about... hahaha moving on is not as easy as it seems ne at times
ahh the weather here is actually lovely, gets a lil hot around noon but now the weather is...hey wait a minute...it is noon now
but
the weather is rather pleasant...not sure what the temp is but there is this
really cool breeze and the weather is actually warm and refreshing...
hahahah the flowers sure are cute ne?
hahahah i am nice enough to know not to stir up trouble tooooo!
hahahahahahahahaha 
except i am actually betrothed to trouble *nod nod* no wonder trouble keeps visiting me... he is such a dilligent fiance
ha yeah i think mum is like that.... the thinking of a sickness makes you sick kinda thing...but i would say i am the total opposite, when i am sick i just live like nothing is wrong... you could say i urge my body to fight to it's hardest cuz i don't really like resting unless i had a book with me...other than that to be honest when i am really sick and i can't leave the bed, i get lonely
like if
i don't occupy my mind with working, i get very sad... there was this one time
when my parents had travelled and only sis and i were home with our housekeeper,
i won't lie they were the best days ever since sis and i moved into my brother's
room 
he
has a TV (well so do we but his has a sattelite receiver thingi and blabla so
sis and i would stay up so late watching some movies, or she would sit on my
brother's computer to spam in the same room with me for the fun of it... and
then she would sleep on my bro's bed but i would get a mattress and sleep on the
ground which is better for me 
it was real
fun but three days before my parents were scheduled to return (this was before
the summer so thigns were good at home and i was close to my mother and father)
and anyway i got sick with fever, and everything! it was so horrible but sis
"moved out" of the room, she said she did not want to get sick... and
i was soooo lonely for the first time in my life i slept with the TV on to keep
me some sort of company...ofcourse i did not go to school and it was just so sad
but
then my friend called and i kept her on the phone with me for over an hour,
truth to be told when we decided to close the phone and say our byes, she did
not want to go either... and she lived so far from my place and her parents
would not allow her to come over...but it was ok that she called...i was happy
to talk to someone, besides we were watching the same thing on TV and were
discussing it so it was rather fun... 
yatta!
cheering for us
you are soo right but i find it hard to help it!
looooooools!
loools! i am
so bad 
oh
well, desperate times call for desperate measures, to get what you want here you
need to find a real way to get it, not sit and worry about it right? 
hahahhas
i worry about college and soon enough i might really give up and just not care about anything becuase i am so pissed...and i told Fati i was so tired of all this and she said she knew i was tired... but then we fell silent... i doubt i have the ability to change my future and attain what i want so much...and then maybe you are right ne, in time i just won't even attain it due to my lack of believing in myself... still i am not sure... all i need is a word of reassurance from my father...he used to always tell me he will give me the best and things about sending me off to a good college...but now mother is wrapping him around her finger and he is so damn enchanted... and she knows it and that is why she goes all the time tormenting me... what she said yesterday morning to make me leave the house so early, was when we were talking about college! really how can a woman wake up so early in the morning to deliver knews she knew would torment me?! i was like "yeah and i wanna buy a couple of nice shirts for college" and she was like "yeah yeah whatever you never know what is gonna happen" she said it in a way that was implying i am not going anywhere for college! and i just said nothing! the she got up and was like "anyway i want to buy dresses so you can drop me to the mall before going to school" i got up and nodded (she was talking about 10 am since i told her i wanted to go to school around 11 am and that time was 6 am in the morning) and anyway i sat on the computer but i could not take it anymore, so i told my brother who was leaving for school to ask the driver to wait and i was going to school early... really being here sometimes i feel like i am being choked... i am just so glad i don't burst into tears anymore when the subject of college comes up..
in fact now that i think about it maybe i can play reverse psychology ...hahahahas
there was something my mother told me long before...she said if you don't chase after something, then it is bound to turn around and chase after you... i am thinking... perhaps now if i actually order my parents to send me to some stupid college here, they will be desperate to send me to where i want to go
for some reason i really am craving chocolate now... hmm... and i asked sis if she would help me nag mum into going to the supermarket, there are a couple of things i need to get, thing is we are not allowed to leave without our mum so you can imagine
ok then i have a couple...of alot of things to do
so i will
leave you to rest now and begin my work...
hahaha take your time typing looools!~
take care Tommy-chii! have a nice ...day since i assume again you went to bed a while ago and would be reading this when you get up
merged: 03-09-2007 ~ 11:40pm
oh first off... i consider myself hugged
your
words have touched me ne... 
thanks!
yatta!
hahahahahahhahahahahahaha-
my sister
passed by and was like "Sara...what ARE you watching?" and i just
laughed 
that thing is funny! SPAM!
i watched the SPAM vid
ahh yes i know
true that most of my friends across the net think i talk much, in
fact i do, with my friends and things i talk and say whatever i want, but at
home you could say i say three sentences a day 
my parents
actually ask my friends if i have any other friends in school since i never
talk, but it would be rather funny cuz half the school is my friend 
thing is
though, i talk in my head... like at dinner when the whole family sits, in my
head i would be like "oh yeah, you know daddy what my english teacher said
today!" or "hey mum! do you know what so and so means?!" but i
never voice those thoughts 
as much as i
would want to say them at times, the environment just restricts me and i end up
saying nothing, though at a time i used to say all that...and i was pretty close
to my mother, so she knew everything...like i would come home and give her a
report of how my day was, they were rather fun days 
but then it
seemed that my mother had been storing everything i told her to use against me
in the right time...and do you know bad that was... 
like all your words coming back to haunt you and bite you hahahaaahaas...how
pitiful to be honest... but that does not matter, cuz lately i don't say
anything, so any words left bit me too long ago for me to really recall how i
felt those moments hahahahas reminds me when you said time heals all wounds- you
are so right, time erases their memories as well 
ahhh damn! i registered for one SAT2 subject test but i wanted to do two on that day and now i can't register again! noo way! oh nooooo!
it's all
mum's fault! she just had to come in and yell about why i did not register yet!
i hate being rushed! nooooooo! now what?! oh well...i don't care anymore 
i guess i
will have to find a way around this... whyyyyyyyyyyy?! 
but here) my
friend always says "why Nixon?!" when something like this
happens...still i don't understand the significance of Nixon, but what i know is
that he was the President at some time or the other ...and was killed...right?
hmm hahaas which reminds me of something funny (how can i think of funny things at a time like this is waaaay beyond me
...
oh
well who cares, seriously, i am not even going to college next year so why the
hurry ne? heh.. my mother was so happy i was taking a gap year yesterday, and i
was looking genuinly unhappy, she asked me what the problem was... yeah
really... no problem at all...
would i rather stay home or go to that college...truth to be told Tommy, i would rather die...but then again that is not one of the options
so my second
would be stay home...that college...really it is not my material...i metioned my
worst kinda people are shallow ones, and here there are tooooons of them...not
that, the whole college is made of them! anyway it was decided i would take a
gap year with courses in Japanese and Chinese since i want that alot... hmm
after that we will see what happens ne... besides the college, i can get an A
with my eyes closed, like i said it was arabic based, i would fail the arabic,
but i know Adham can pass the english 
what kinda
education is that?! not even the major i want is available there!
...not to try to hide the truth... hahahas you will never imagine... you know i could say sometimes it seems like hell here but you do get glimpses of heaven at times... now if the real truth were to come out... oho... the glimpses of heaven would be nothing more than a memory... the truth is so terrible that hell will break loose...besides now really my life is nothing more than lies and betrayal... but sis and i try to stick to the most peaceful thing, and it would be hiding that truth in hopes of redemption... not our redemption, sis and i did nothing wrong... we are just hiding the truth... in fact if the truth came out, even though we really did nothing wrong... we covered up for what was extremely wrong... and thus we shall pay the price becuase the person who did the wrong thing, would go and lead her own life... lemme put it like this... you could say we are accomplices, though i would wish it was of theft or even murder, becuase we are accomplices of something far worse than that...
trust is such a fragile thing... and i think there is nothing more painful that the person you love most in the world betraying you and then treating you as if you had been the coldest tyrant on earth (and that you are the wrong one) ...
oh well... i heard it too before, that truth always comes out...to be honest at the moment i believe that, i just hope the truth waits for me and sis to go to college before deciding to show itself... honestly...
looools! as much as i LOVE flowers i don't know much about them either! hahhhas...
hehehe
hey wait a minute...why am i laughing! this is nothing to be proud of
hahahas
i think that is nice that at least someone in the family is able to help your grandpa out... lools! hang in there and give it your best!~
i hope you don't get sick then, since i would be harder to help if you are not feeling well...
hmm well being lonely is something, but the loneliness i feel when i am sick has a different bitter taste to it
there was a
time when i was talkign about that to a friend and he started telling me about
equilibruim in life...that when your body is weak, to attain a balance sort of
thing, your mind and resolve weakens a lil... and i found that to be a lil true
in fact... no wonder i can't control my emotions when i am sick 
but other
than that i usually feel what i want to feel and push the rest aside 
hmm ok here...i am done
take a look
at this, Tommy-chan...tell me if you like it 
F-F
hmm
ok here this is the last before i let you go!
hmm i couls
swear i said this before... i wonder...hmm... weird probably a deja vu ...waa i
have been having these weird dreams lately 
i can't
remember them now though... waaa anyway 
a song, rather a musical, by Gackt and Malice Mizer... i like it very much, in fact when i neared the end i had the urge to clap for them too...hmm i wish i was present in that live concert
here it the link again:
Regret
it is nice, my fav part is at 4-27 mins and beyond, i like the beat there most
waa...anyway i have tons of work, but i am too worried to work now...what am i supposed to do now about the SAT?! why do i always find a dead end everywhere i turn! hahahas funny thing was once i was so pissed and stormed into class, we were having literature, and then the teachers says "why hello Sara, everything alright?"
' )*
"yup you are right... 
"
probably that was a line in a poem somewhere 
*me* "yeah"
*teacher* "it is ok you know you cans till do it"
*me (thought to self-what is she talking about...)* "yeah..."
*teacher* "you must not give up"
*me (thought to self-ah great now she is preaching)* "yeah...i know that..."
*teacher* "even when it seems the moment you open a door to your future another ten close right under your nose"
*me (thought to self- oh looks like she knows what she is talking about)* "ha...yeah..."
*teacher* "don't worry i know you, you won't give up"
*me (thought to self- wow she knows me...
blabla the class goes on
but i liked the door thing, i guess literature teachers are always like that
hmm
anyway...i guess i will ask my english and math teacher for help regarding the
SATs... you know before i never had to worry like this, i would have gone to
mother and we would have solved it together... but now...ha! the person i will
laaaast turn to for help is her... she used to solve my problems but now she
goes about trying to cause problems for me... 
hahahahahaha
ahahahas anyone who doubted the world can change 180 degrees better think again
hahahahahaha i swear i think i am soo weird! how come i am joking when i am supposed to be frowning?!?!?!?!
oh well guess typing to you is doing me good
anyway then! have a nice day Tommy-chan! i hope you like the friendhip banner, i will upload it on my MT page soon...not sure when, but when i have some extra free time...as for now...i have some major english report and math assignment...as well as physics...the list goes on but some i won't really bother doing
take care Tommy-chiiiiii! i hope things go well for the both of us!
hi good to hear from you and im always crazy and it is fun... oh yeah why is your pg so long it took me about a minute just to get to the reply box
don't even mention dentists...i have an appointment on Wed
last year i
was top speaker...thing is i never prepare and then i go out there and just say
what i would have said if i was arguing with my friend, i use alot of
personification, sayings etc... but i think it will be fun! hahahahas...school
is always fun if you ask me...as soon as i step into the house any shred of
happiness i feel outside would just be drained out of me, it is rather amazing
ooh my debate is tomorrow...thanks god Fati and i are on the same team though and i am pretty confident...as a whole team i know we suck real bad...but as individuals i am pretty confident of my debatinf abilities
hahah i know, Fati says the same exact thing about the "what if.." but to be honest, although most times on the outside i always look so composed and in control of the situation...in my head i am just as lost and desperate for guidance as ever....there was this friend of mine i used to turn to for guidance but he got mad at me and after that although we talk...it's just not the same, i dare not talk about serious matters...not because he would get angry, but he got the wrong picture from the beginning...so there is no point and i just don't want to make anyone mad at me... truth to be told i am so sad things turned out like this... anyway though, probably as the number of people i can really depend on decrease, i begin to master the art of being on my own and carrying my burden on my own...
i am so
weird i know i know 
and if she
starts blabbering rude things i would say something like "i know you love
me...you don't have to try so hard 
" and
she would be like "shutup you idiot! i swear you lost your mind! must be
stress! go go sleep"
anyway it is rather fun, and i guess in the end she likes my company although
she makes sure she grumbles and growls most of the time which only makes me
laugh, and then she would mutter how she thinks i am nuts for laughing 
ah you said that time about a couple of posts ago that you did not think i was suicidal, i forgot to reply to that
thanks i guess since i would feel very insulted if you thought i was suicidal...in fact i would rather you call me terrible names than say for once you thought i would be suicidal
hahaha concerning phone convos, i just don't like them at all! i hate talking on the phone but that is the only way i can communicate with that friend since she can't get on the computer long...so i bear with it...besides she is so serious, also the loner type hahah but she is really something, i probably spend the whole convo teasing her and poking fun and making jokes and she tells me to shutup or go to hell but i know she does not mean any of it...cuz if she did she would not call every other day
*me* "oh ok then i think i will take your advice..."
*her* "where are you going? wait a minute!"
*me* "but i was listening to you.."
*her* "stop pretending to be an angel, you crazy freak, weirdo..."
XD
ahhh... hahahahaha
he told me
to sit with him when i was getting up to go to bed and apologized for some
mistake he had made earlier with my credit card"
)
i never
really hated him, at times i just felt like i didn't have any feelings for him,
but i was very happy last night when i was reading in the livingroom and then he
came home from some place he had gone to, and i finished the chapter i was
reading and got up to sleep, it was already 9-30 pm anyway, but he was like
"Sara where are you goin?" 
you
would not even wanna hear about her... i wonder why she likes Mars so much...her
head always seems to be caught there...i am wondering what it is like over
there... 
probably is a lil stress free...
))
and he was like "Stressed?"
you cannot imagine what happened last night!
well you see father was being soooo kind to me! 0.o i was surprised...
so today i was like this to Fati
*me* "Fati! you will not imagine what happened!" (i was grinning and looking so cheerful that in the end she was chuckling and asking what what)
*me* "well....father was soo nice to me last night!"
*Fati (with A LOOK on her face) * "tche so?"
*me* "what do you mean "so?" i am so happy
*Fati* "why are you so happy?"
*me* "oh comon..."
*Fati* "you know what...ahh i wish i can choke you!"
*me (laughing) * "Forgive and forget!"
*Fati (not laughing at all) * "i swear...you are so stupid...just go away...tche ... i swear how can anyone be crazy like you i have no damn idea"
*me* "hahahahahaha comon now don't be so stiff"
*Fati(changing the topic)* "i got you brownies..."
*me* "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! thanks! oh yay! yummy!"
(her brownies are so yummy so i was delighted
remember there was this once that we spoke about kind words sweeping you off your feet? i am like this...my father can be cold to me for ages, rude and a lil cruel...but then the one night he makes me feel appreciated and well... that my presence really means something to him...then it is ok again
*me* "to bed..."
*daddy* "no sit and stay with me"
*me* "sure, would you like me to get anything for you?"
blabla he asks for water.
*me* "would you like to turn on the TV?"
*dad* "well i am busy but if you want to watch anything sure thing."
(he turns it on...but thing is...he said he was busy, but wanted me to sit with him...you might think i would feel annoyed but in fact i was happy that he wanted me to sit with him although he had lots of things to do, like me sitting there would actually help him out in some way or the other...i was so pleased that when i went to bed, i knew i was such a fool...but it did not matter... a few kind words and actions wipe away so much in my case...i am so ready to let go of everything...who needs the past in a case where the future would be so much brighter?! and well even today he did not pick on me or anything...
in fact to be very honest...i sympathize with father...my mother...
ohh which was soo cute
when i was sitting with father, i was reading and he was working and then he saw me (i have the habit of shaking my leg when i am anticipating something, stressed, in deep though etc... (just like rocking myself to sleep when i am not well
and i laughed...then minutes later his own movement caught my eye and i pointed "Stressed?" it was nice...we shared a laugh ne...
thanks for your words of wisdom...you are right... there are so many priorities in life...
) my lit
teacher was saying in human life :
" and
as usual everyone laughs...
and we go on
with the poem 
hmm ... the only reason i wanna finish college is cuz it was a weapon...but you know the kinda knowledge i am so hungry for is not what is written in school books...i want to travel and meet new people and learn new things... i want to sit with an old man and talk about his experiences...and with an old woman and hear what she has to say...i wanna meet those who are worse off than i am and know what it feels to be really suffering... i want to understand why people think the way they do...what makes them decide which side to take...i wanna be around kids of so many other races and cultures...there are so many things i want to explore...so many things i want to see!
in literature class today infact (my fate is so weird
"well the spring on life is when you are a child, the summer is while you are growing up and reaching the middle of life...then autumn comes after that when you are reaching your older age...and then winter when you are old"
*me* "no way i want my summer when i am old" (i was just making a random comment i was thinking about)
*teacher* "well if you remain young at heart and try your best i am sure you will find a way to make it the summer, but your body might not make it possible for you, you know"
*me* "hmm perhaps..."
*teacher* "welll if it is you Sara, i can see you at 90 still laughing and carrying yourself with your smile, and then sitting on a rock in the middle of the sea"
*me* "hahaha perhaps...now i understand why my english teacher prays for my husband...the poor guy won't even rest when he is over 90 with me around
besides the poem was to dull and serious...but my comments and my friend sitting next to me (i mentioned her before, that she sees through my sarcasm and to be honest sitting next to her is so enjoyable) and we were laughing and i was making the poem more of something fun, the teacher was laughing and shaking her head and saying "you know Sara, once upon a time this poem was very serious"
*me* "really? was it?"
hmm..well today a friend of mine, remember the two girls i told you about who are close friends...well they fought again today, andone of them was crying...so for some reason it turned to a convo about trust and then a friend of mine (again the one who sits next to me in lit) was like "you should not trust anyone"
*me* "no way!...it would be hard to live without trusting another soul!"
*friend* "it seems to me though you don't trust anyone"
*me* "hahahahas do i seem that way? who knows ne~ life is so unpredictable"
*friend (smirking smile)* "ah so you choose to evade"
*me(knowing grin)*"the weather sure is lovely today"
the weather was lovely today though, it was not a sarcastic coment...how about you? how is the weather where you are?
hmmm perhaps sometimes you should say the things you feel and think...but you know some things hurt when they are said...so i am better off not saying them... i don't like hurting others...and if someone else was frowning because it was my fault...i would feel worse than a "doormat" so i would rather be a "doormat"
hahaha i rarely get mad! well unless you would pick on sis as well then i would be mad enough to really do something... other times i would just walk off and think something like "turn the other cheek Sara...this is not worth it.."
but
when i see mum...in my head that is most of what i am saying... i might never
really say anything...but in my head i say alot 
there are
other songs for ther occaisons 
like on
first days of school i would wake up being so happy and sing, then sis would be
like "shutup!" 
here are the lyrics for the song that i feel for mum: it's called
Where'd You Go
in fact when i am feeling anything strongly i tend to sing...and there is this song i sing now when i see my mother...although i would sing in a low voice, but the song goes something like this "Where'd you go? i miss you so... seems like it's been forever that you've been gone...please come back home..."
i really love my mother...why is she like this now?! where is she?! where did she go...
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go? Lyrics
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the
pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked
up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
i hope you heard this song somewhere...it is very nice...if not probably i can check it up for you on youtube..
hahaha Dr.J. is so funny
i met him
today before working with another teacher...and he was like "don't worry i
will teach you, just stick with teacher for the time being...i will sneak in and
sneak out" we both laughed...he works for my father that is why and my
father is there too...so you can imagine...they are afraid of him ....he is so
millitary like 
hahaha true...probably i appreciate sympathy, i just don't like it when i break down and start crying...cuz when i do any sympathy makes me feel even more miserable for some reason...like when i cried that time and Fati's sister hugged me i was so depressed! i find it hard to calm myself down when someone is actually urging you to let it out
hahaha i taught him a lesson eh...not the first...there was this girl in our school who was pulling the hair of another sitting infront of her, and i was supervising that time, and you should have seen it!
i have such reflexes and i got so much training during this
summer...damn guy almost snapped my arm off! but that is a long story for
another time 
*me* "hey you! yeah i am talking to you! what do you think you are doing?!"
you should have seen the poor girl ... she was so ashamed to have gotten caught...but comon if there is one thing i can't stand is the stronger ones trampling on the weak...what gives them the right?! and where the hell is there guilty conscious? i would feel horrible if i treated a younger girl that way that i wuld bow to apologize...but truth is if i was the girl getting picked at i would ask politely at first for them to stop...then simply grabbed the girl's hand and twisted it
as for now it is 10 pm and i am a lil tired from runnign around all day, my debate tomorrow...and sis not going to school...so lucky...
my throat hurts...
hahahas anyway then take care Tommy-chii~ hope you slept well!
nightie nightie!
merged: 03-06-2007 ~ 10:31pm
haaa! yaay i came out top speaker this year too!
"
but i admit
i get a lil agressive...besides the thing is i never argue so when i am forced
into a position of making a point i believe in, especially since i don't sit
there and memorize my points, they come out pretty strong... but our team lost
who cares
basiclly i was never in it to win anything...
you know what a girl told me when i walked out afterwards when everything was over? she was like "when you were talking i was like in my head i am sorry i swear i am innocent i won't do anything again
it was rather funny, moreover my math teacher during her lesson which was after the function was like "wow, Sara to be honest i was wondering if this was the same nice and gentle Sara i taught"
my head is killing me too and i am going to bed, i will call father soon and tell him to cancel my tutoring today...i don't think i can manage it now
i feel so
heavy and i want to sleeeep 
hmm the reason why i would get insulted if someone would think i was suicidal is cuz inside i am always fighting myself and everything... and it bothers me when i was ever called suicidal just like it would dishonor a knight if he were called a coward...
i don't believe in suicide or things like that...even when i lose
hope i never would consider cutting myself! so the thought of someone else even
imagining i would think of it is rather extremely insulting 
hmm in fact if i ever do get you on the phone there would never be anything like awkard silence...with me around that just never happens... i don't think i ever experienced that since if you would not do some talking, be sure i would do it for the both of us
you might think i am kidding, but it is very true i cannot stand
uncomfortable silence so you can say it is in my nature to ensure i never have
to go through uncomfy silence 
afterall it
would ruin my reputation if you would feel uncomfy around me 
which
reminds me of all the funny stuff that go around, i can't completely remember
now since my head hurts and i am not in condition to recall amusing things but i
use that alot "ruin my reputation" and it would usually be for bad
things 
like talking in class or being late, if a teacher says "come to my class
early" i would be like "no way! want me to ruin my reputaition? Mrs!
have some mercy!" 
"
) but it was
funny...she is very nice...paternal, but you never wanna get on her bad
side...that woman is scary when angered... 
in fact today my bio teacher, we almost were out of her reach, wanting to go to the canteen and she caught us, "Mrs...please we wanna go to get water!"
*teacher* "nah"
*Fati* "please i am dehydrating!"
*me* "yeah see! she's dying oh nooo!"
*teacher* "i don't think so...go after i explain the important points, it is better for you"
*me* "what an excuse for dehydrating..."
*teacher* "better than your excuses ha! "i don't care" "who cares"
(the teacher has major issues against me using these phrases
haha we have a party in school tomorrow, my friends and i are getting food to school and you should see us...i am anticipating it from now
tomorrow is
almost a free day so this is me
then we
would laugh...but it is exactly how it goes...i wish i would not have to get up
early, but Fati says i am going so it means i am 
it is soooo
funny! we would literally "dig in" but i barely eat much 
in fact i
would take alot then pass my plate to her since i am not much of an eater and
lately i have no appetite for anything 
"Yaaaay, i am not coming tomorrow!"
*Fati (not even waiting for me to totally complete* "oh yes you are"
*me, not waiting for her to totally complete* "Yaaaay i am coming to school tomorrow!"
XD
besides you should see how we act when there is food
i hope you feel better when you wake up
hah...put aside...i donno if that is possible...i feel so sorry for my father sometimes i wish i can hug him to comfort him but he is just as unaccepting of sympathy as i am
so you can imagine 
and i don't
think Fati can take much more of being only a listener... hahahahhas
as for mother...i pray for the day that she will wake up... dreaming too long is not so good ne... besides i don't think i can take much more of her antics
Where'd you go
haha hope you like the song
yups i want to see beyond the world i live in... i am sure there is so much to see and it would be so heartwarming
it's unhealthy to keep it all in but it is what i hope that by being able to keep it all in you grow emotionally a lil stronger and can bear a lil more... loools but what do i know
waa i am soo tired...it is only 5-14 pm but i am exhausted...so i am going to bed now...
ahh it was not training
i am one of
my school's representative and part of the school council as well so we tend to
have to supervise during assemblies and any sort of speechgivings etc... so when
i was supervising and making sure everyone was not talking and things, that girl
was bullying... 
yeah i do have a strong sense of justice becuase there is already too much injustice in the world and someone should do something about the lil injustices that one can control
hmmm i hope you are feeling better...
sadly there were many other things i wanted to tell you but i don't have the energy anymore
take care Tommy-chii! talk to you more next time!
P.S. and i agree with your statement, remaining silent had actually multiplied the bad...but then when you do talk you are just getting yourself under attack and already labelled selfish...i will tell you more about it next time... i am about to really collapse
nightie!
Woah, man...
I've never seen guestbook posts this LONG!
Took me an entire 2 and a half minutes to scroll down!
Just wanted to say HI! to Kyuzo...
So... HI KYUZO!
HI! LONG TIME NO SEE THE CAPITAL LETTERS IS ME SCREAMING BECAUSE IM CRAZY
hehe...i understand but naturally doctors make me tense inside...no idea why...to be honest there was this doctor who could be called a family doctor, we know him for over ten years...and i loved him soo much! he was about my father's age, and i really loved him (as a parent sort of thing ne
)
there was one time we were taking shots against flu and well he was like
"Ok, Sara, how about you read for me that poem hanged there?" 
)
*me* "well Dr. gimme the shot then i will read it for you"
*Dr.* "no no you read it then i will give you the shot"
*me* "no no no i insist, i will read after you give the shot..."
*Dr.* "you should listen to your elders and i insist you read"
*me* "NO waaay!" (here he steps away and i thought i might have angered him or something) "Where are you going? what about..."
(the nurse was giving me a totally amused look...and well...turned out the the doctor gave me the shot while i was debating with him and being...persistent
he was such a great man... and i really wish he were here...thing is though...
he died of cancer around three years ago... i was young and stupid and blind...i wish i knew...i would have forced mother...she tells me he was in a hospital...and i was not the only one who loved him...so many others did... and in his funeral mother said so many attended...if i had understood then i would have been at the funeral! i love him so much even now... i remember an elderly man who always brightened up whenever we walked into his office...and i would go to him whenever i had an english project to interview him and take his opinion... but i am sure he is in heaven now...and well...he was a good man...
hmm to be very honest with you Tommy-chii...to me many things come before my studies...my friends and loved ones ....to be honest i would rather spend time with a friend than seek knowledge that would in no real way get me anywhere... ok i am not saying it is not important...but what if all this leads nowhere? my parents everything...it's all against me...i am not giving up or anything...still fighting for a dream that would most likely not even come true...i don't have much faith in my own abilities to make my dreams a lil fraction of reality...and then it would be time wasted...i would spend my time studying and then what? my connections to all my friends would...loosen and weaken...like out of sight out of mind sort of thing ne... and then i would have no just lost the education i dream about, but also friends that i cherished... so nah...this is not how i do things...study yeah sure i can't deny it is important...but to me there are priorities and finding, or rather making time for friends is more than important
yups to be honest i love meeting new people, but you know sometimes there are people i come across that somehow i feel uncomfortable being around...and in the end my instincts prove right...for example our far cousin...she is about two three years older than me...when i met her, i never trusted her...ok i would treat her nicely and things but never really let our friendship go farther...and in the end about a month or so after we left...she was talking all sorta things about us and stuff...just proved that my instincts were right so i am glad i never told her anything of significance...
you know...never ever do something wrong infront of someone you don't trust...and if you happen to do that...never make that person angry or your sin will be for the world to know...
just a piece
of advice 
so randommmmm!
hmm i am glad to know i am not a burden...i would not wanna be that is for sure...in fact now the idea of being a burden makes me a lil ashamed of myself...
hahah why are you apologizing? i thought it was a lil creative expression! you sure have a knack for expressions that are quite interesting... doormat huh
quite
effective too...
whatever...i
think it is true that i can handle my own...i just keep myself under control
becuase i don't want to hurt those i used to love...besides love or not, parents
should be respected no matter what....or so i still think, although everyone
around me seems to say i should sit my parents down and rant to my heart's
content...stuff about making them open their eyes... 
well if they need eye-opening, i really would not wanna be the one to do it 
hahahaha i guess you are right... i guess you are right... haaa! no wonder my english teacher tells me she prays for my husband to be muahahaha! hey wait a minute! she should be praying for me!
hahaha well about that incident... you said so yourself
my sis was
in kindergarten still and this guy who was three years my senior comes out of
nowhere and had the guts to pick on MY sister (notice the possessive
pronoun...means trouble 
)
literally
too! i asked father to buy me boots and well went looking for him and he was out
there waiting for sis to pick on her...my how dare he! thinking he can pick on
my sis and get away with it ... i am sure he never picked on another kid again
hahahahahahahahahas! that is a funny memory that sis and i talk about whenever
we feel like getting a good laugh... the guy even came out to my dad afterschool
and was like "i am never going to pick on the girl again...your daughter is
so strong 
" thing is i always was a tomboy till about this year...still being the
eldest my father had always wished i had been born a son rather than a
daughter...so to make him proud i might have done things guys did...i loved my
dad alot and respected him... well i still acnowledge his leadership skills and
respect him and honor him for he is my father...but feelings for him? or my mum?
tche...no thanks..
hell hath no fury
well you see to make the story short
simply the next day when i found out i kicked him to the ground
you might be invisible but you still exist...that alone makes a difference in my life ne...
turns out i am not the only weird one, welcome to the club 
jk jk...
hm you know what...remember when i said Fati just sat there while i cried...thing is i never accept sympathy...and when i receive it , i just get more emotional and it is worse...so i would rather everyone is cold to me i guess...cuz then i get myself under control...i don't like being sorry for myself...even when things go wrong i try to lie to myself and say "see...life sure is nice for you ne.." i used to lie to myself and believe it...but i am unable to do that anymore sadly
waaa finally i registered for my SAT exams! and i got tutored today! yeah i am happier now, so relieved since the teachers like me and i know one of them from before (tutors i mean) and when i thanked one of them (he's a guy around my father's age as well, name is Dr. Jose, but we all call him Dr. J.) and well after he finished explaining some of the material i was like "Thanks DR. J. i am very grateful and i appreciate your time" and he was like "Don't thank me please, we love you so much and it is a pleasure to be of assisstance" (so polite ne
) and i was
like "Yes and i love you all too, but i respect you as well and you are
entitled for a thanks"
but anyway my father keeps saying Dr.J won't teach me cuz he is a
man... whatever...
as you can see this is basically how i go around developing good relations with my teachers
ahh i have to go now...lots of work and anyway sis is kicking me out since she wants to go to sleep ...hahah she is not feeling well so i have to do my work elsewhere...
i am glad
you are reassuring me...and it is an honor and pleasure to be your friend and
that you care...and i want you to know those feelings are mutual... nightie
nightie!
have a nice day Tommy-chii, take care!
P.S. you know i really do trust you, that is not why i am evading talking about my life...but you don't wanna get sick
spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, LOVELY SPAM! WONDERFUL SPAM!..
XD
oh yeah Fati gets bugged alot when i frown, since i don't really frown much so when i do it means i really am dwelling
but there
was this one time i made a spectacle of myself right in the middle of the first
period...waa that was so bad a friend came to me later and was like "i hope
you are ok, you know...you were the last person on earth i ever thought would
cry" she was right, i was disappointed in myself, and i am sure i let her
down by being unable to control my feelings, what happened was my mother was out
fo the country on some trip with my youngest brother, we were (sis me and my
other bro) with our father at home ne...and the night before my friend, Fati was
over since we were studying computer, when they left my father was mad at me, i
went to sit with him like evry night when mum was away, almost to tend to his
needs in my mother's stead, but he was like "Go out you are busy" and
i was like "no, i mean i would like to sit with you, i am not busy at
all." and he said "i said go and see to your business" so i was
afraid of hiw unpredictable wrath, and left (no duh 
)
but i was really sick that time, other than the extreme lonliness that had
decided to settle over me for some reason or another, weird moments i assume it
was a phase, but the next morning we had school, i had a sore throat, the flu,
and worse than all of that, my body was burning with fever... but i would not
dare stay at home, father would have me for breakfast, and i would rather not
stay, there was nothing there for me...so i went to school but not before
stopping by the pharmacy, where i was introduced to the painkillers i told you
about, Solpadeine...i guess that is why i like them so much, when i had no idea
what to do those tablets were great...besides allaying the pain in my throat,
the fever was gone after four tablets 
as in by the
end of school day my fever had broken and i was ok...
but before that, in class when i walked in, my bag was too heavy to carry, i was late but i guess i looked ready to scream so the teacher nodded and i sat down inmy place next to Fati...if she had not turned to me with that look in her eyes like she wished she could kill father, i would never have said anything, probably even opened my math book and stared at the numbers, but she did turn to me and was like "why are you here?" and i just burst into tears... it was true...why the hell was i there! i really wanted to be at home, cuddleing against my pillow...resting and...well feeling a lil safe and secure...besides there were other things troubling my...my mother was not well either, other than that, because of her i was yelled at everyday for three weeks...i couldn't handle much on my own...i had tests those days too... and i guess i was very distraught so i left the room...but it was no use, i spent three hours crying like a kid...Fati never said anything, and it was better that way, probably her showing sympathy would have been bad, i always depended on her strength, and she just sat there while i cried... after that day, i never felt the same way about father ... i never loved him or respected him the way i did...for me to be scared about staying home was something very sad
but anyway...it was something i could not control and i felt better later...even now it doesn't matter to me how i feel about home...better have a plce to stay than no place to stay ne
you know what i think might be a problem, when you come to talk to your friend, they get a sense of helplessness in them really... i know from Fati, since she gets frustrated, maybe in some friendships, these frustrations later then could strain the friendship... like a friend might start thinking "Why does she tell me all that stuff? i can't do anything for her! i am helpless! i am not good enugh" stuff like that...then maybe friendships could be threatened, but then again i guess if they are really good friendships then they would not really...but i don't want any of my friends to think that or feel that way...
hahaha true i said i don't wanna think about it but it is inevitable, if you want to give any sort of suggestion or comment they are always welcome you know
Leo...Lionhearted...Squall... hahahahhas i never really thought of it that way...but if i am correct i think Squall is a Leo as well...wait lemme check...
even my
friends like using my computer, it is so organzied, certain pics in sertain
files...everything named accordingly...you should take a look at sis's computer,
that thing is a mess, pics here and there and the desktop itself looked
hilarious 
*checking* August 23, which is the last day of the Leo...hmm it means he is a Leo?
hahaha another interesting thing though, Rinoa is born on March third, and sis's b-day is March 2...cool hahahahahas
hmm well i am no perfectionist at all, except when i do something for dad then i worry about how well i am doing, but other than that you could say i am an organized freak! it is so annoying but serious...like i would plan to start doing something on Saturday, if it is not available or i am unable on saturday for any reason, even if it i am able on monday or sunday, then i would not do it, and wait till the next satruday...my plans have to be followed in every single detail or else i abandon them ... *sigh* even before studying i have to arrange all my things, in class my papers are in one stack, books in another and notebooks in another...and if i arrange things ontop of each other, they have to be in order from largest at the bottom to the smallest at the top
hahaha fate...
me
and Lady Fate are well acquainted *thinks: i hope that Lady meets some serious
misfortune* yeah like i said, Fate and i... 
yeah i grow attatched to anything that you put "my" infront of
My
Lappy, My pillow, My books ....My friends too 
once my friend and i were discussing names of things, she named her computer something or the other and asked what about me, i told her i call My Lappy "Mine"
hahahah i guess i see, my friend was about to explain what she meant by pregnant woman, but then her father called and was ready to pick her up, which was around midnight
so she left, talking about some other things...oh right cake...and some other
things 
i have no
idea why, we were being crazy for some reason or another, the recording would
make you think we were high or drunk but it was really nice... 
what
else...hahahas we talked about chicken 0.o no idea why it was supposed to be so
funny, but it was 
it was a
very amusing outlook on how i am, but i apologized...for i donno...being like
that? probably was something unconscious... lools though i never remembered
closing up on her...i mean i tell her alot about what goes on in my life, more
than my parents too...and in fact i got into trouble today, my father was
sitting at the table and he was like "Why are you smiling like that? you
talk with your friends and here on the table you pretend to be wronged and a cat
that lost its tongue" (what the hell he was picking on me and saying girls
in the family don't go to college, really if he wants me to talk he should
discuss better things than try to get on my nerves by implying he won't let me
go to college...in his damn dreams if he thinks he can marry me off! and my mum
was laughing right along with him...really next time i should consider laughing
a
it was really fun yesterday though, i have not laughed so much so hard for so long now...it was so nice...
what we did was record a couple of minutes (around ten actually) of our conversation...and it was sooo funny! even today when i listened to it again, it was very funny...
and one funny thing was Fati called me Tarzana
there was that...Fati said she wished she could fly and i nodded, then i said i was afraid of heights so too bad...she kinda got mad, she was like "i knew it, you were gonna make an excuse to stay behind and remain here...i just knew it" but i laughed and poked her to forget about it... she is rather funny...i mean i truly am afraid of heights...but then again probably i am making excuses....she always says those thinks that keep me thinking for ages... like once when she said she feels like i am a cave in a mountain with an opening on the other side, she says she knows if she can reach the other side it would be great, but as soon as she reaches somewhere she feels like something pushes her in the darkness and she is back where she started